I've never met a femme-presenting¹ person who didn't have a sexual harassment/assault story.

[willow@chaosfem.tw]

@alice I’ve come to expect the casual street harassment whenever I’m on foot for an extended period.

I was harassed by a medical provider at urgent care the first summer after I came out, and assaulted in a club last year.

I wrote about the latter here: https://chaosfem.tw/@Willow/115032757839470915

[vervain@sunny.garden]

@ireneista @alice

It is very bad out there. I taught community self defense classes for years. To many different communities. The stories were/are relentless.

[alice@lgbtqia.space]

@littlefox 🫂

[xyhhx@438punk.house]

@irene @stephaniepixie @alice w-what

[mayintoronto@beige.party]

@alice I was a teacher. I packed up my stuff after my class. As I was leaving and the next teacher walked in, this lecherous old man (teacher) slapped my ass in front of our teenage students.

I turned around and glared at him for like 30 seconds. The kids were dead silent. He looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole. Good. There was no hole to crawl into. You witness the silent manifestation of my rage. With witnesses.

I walked out before he moved. Coward.

[willow@chaosfem.tw]

@alice 🫂

[momo@social.linux.pizza]

@alice
I thought about replying to this one. Telling you that I learned to be different, to be just a chill dude who means no harm to no one and respects others.

Fuck this shit, that is the minimum behavior everyone expects. I'm nothing special, I should be nothing special.

No, instead I tell you that I raise my sons to be exactly that. To treat girls as equals, to respect their needs, to respect their feelings like everyone elses. It helps that both have AuDHD, they already see the world as a neurotypical, cruel world and themselves as different. And they met enough bullies in elementary school and kindergarden to know how it feels to be on the "other" side. Yes, bullying and sexual assault is not the same, but it takes the same kind of people to do it, the same mindset. Look at your "Grab them by the pussy"-president for an example.

My boys won't grow up being bullies. My boys won't raise into sexual predators. And my boys won't accept this behavior around them, their ADHD-caused Robin-Hood-syndrome is way too strong for that, but I make sure anyway. And THIS is what I want to tell you, what is the important reply to your experience. Not "I'm different" but "No more!"

Nobody cares about "Not all men", it doesn't solve the problem. But I hope this will.

[alice@lgbtqia.space]

@Tooden I'm really sorry you had to experience that ️‍🩹

@dee

[sablebadger@dice.camp]

@mayintoronto @alice I feel that more than qualifies to the level of an HR report. Not acceptable on any level, but in front of kids?!

I guess it does depend on your situation, maybe "rocking the boat" could get you in a bad spot, which is a reality in some places, which I hate, but doesn't change the risks.

If nothing else I would report it so it's on his record? I dunno.

So sorry you had to deal with that. Men need to be better, do better. Good luck.

[alexadeswift@lgbtqia.space]

@xyhhx

That is all kinds if Yikes. But am I surprised? Not at all.

@irene @stephaniepixie @alice

[dee@social.treehouse.systems]

@alice thank you. I'd like to say time makes for healthier coping methods and being able to forgive. But for me time just made it possible to name my pain and carry it with more familiarity and a little less discomfort.

To those who cross my path I'm the most gentle, kind and generous person, but no one this kind isn't carrying something.

One day, maybe, I'll put what I experienced on main. But this is one thing I cannot share without hurting the person who listens.

[dee@social.treehouse.systems]

@Tooden @alice same to you. It's hard. Fracturing and dissociating is both a gift and a curse. So much love to you, a survivor

[alice@lgbtqia.space]

@Willow hug offered.

[kats@chaosfem.tw]

@momo This is exactly what we need more of. Thankyou for being part of the solution.
@alice

[evilyn@is.nota.live]

@alice I came out later in life (trans femme) and was SA'd within the 1st 3 months at a very "inclusive" venue. I was severely traumatised and mostly stayed indoors for the next 2 months. I anonymously reported to the police just so the venue would be notified as I didn't want my name smeared all over police documents (because ACAB). The 1st time, I was ~12yo.

So OK, there's that right? And I've read thru all the comments. I feel like SA is very desensitised which really bothers me.

The deliberate yet possibly innocent deviation from your original toot (and the reason for writing it) from the "actually" people is quite disturbing. The selfish comments like:
"well, I haven't...." (the worst one, IMO)
"actually there are other factors..."
"not all (group)...."
"what about....."
They are usually followed by a variation of "me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me...."

It's beyond distracting and simply hijacks the original comment. It forces the narrator (you) to explain nuances not having to do with the core of the discussion and dilutes the substance of the details. Literally halfway thru reading the comments, I forgot what the original discussion was about, like WTF?!?!

And this is why I don't even bother discussing my experiences with SA, bullying and harassment. No one just stops to say, "wow, that's horrible, I'm so sorry", etc. Instead, it's, "wow, I thought that venue was good" or "my SA experience was way worse" or "actually, you're not the only one so relax" etc, etc, ad nauseum. Anything to distract and make it about them.

So, for those that have read this comment, do you remember what I wrote in the 1st paragraph?

Be honest.

Or did you start to pick apart my piece so you could make a cool statistic, prove me wrong or make it about you?

Again, be honest. To yourself.

I think this is "a" main point of the original discussion. Not "the" main point.

[willow@chaosfem.tw]

@alice Hug accepted 🫂

[kats@chaosfem.tw]

@alice The knowledge of what had been done to various of my partners, is one reason I'm hesitant to present as fully femme.

Then again, I hit puberty a while ago.

[xorlou@lgbtqia.space]

@alice only once that I remember, when I was 21. I wasn't fem presenting at the time.

[mayintoronto@beige.party]

@Sablebadger @alice This was China. We were both foreigners, but he's white. Nothing would have come out of it since our employer sucked.

[ghostprince@social.servitor.love]

@Azuaron Thank you for these statistics! They are very helpful.

I am still of the opinion numbers skew way higher than expected due to just how many cishet men don't even realize they've been raped, but it's good to have a baseline to refer to. I'd like my arguments to be able to stand on two feet, so thank you for your correction!

(also, iirc once we include trans men + mascs into the mix the numbers go up quite a bit...but a lot are categorized as women)