I'm going to repost a #TransFemmeClothing thread for that I originally posted a long time ago on another server.
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Coming from the land of men’s clothing, you don’t start with the scarf. You don't have to jump into femme clothes like diving! In fact, I would suggest many of you emphatically do NOT jump into femme clothes. I couldn't, because I had too much internalized transphobia and felt like a gorilla shaped man in a dress.
Take small steps, not huge leaps. Because what you're trying to do is build confidence and a bank of positive experiences. Going out on day one in a sundress can go badly, and when it does, it pushes you backwards. Start small.
Where I started was… T-shirts!
The first thing I did was wear women's T-shirts. I changed nothing but what type of T-shirts I wear. I traded in my men's T-shirts for boring women's T-shirts. That's it. Same shoes, same jeans, same everything.
Seems dumb? It's not.
First of all, women's T-shirts are cut different. But they are also colored different and they feel different. And that last part was important to me–ESPECIALLY since I started this after starting estrogen.
If you haven’t done HRT and are planning to… realize that your men’s clothes will straight up HURT on estrogen. They feel like wearing burlap and sandpaper. Women’s cloths are just… softer, lighter, thinner. They feel very different. And that slight difference was huge for my mental health. They made me feel more femme.
And the best part: nobody noticed or cared that I was wearing a woman's T-shirt. But I did.
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The first thing I did was wear women's T-shirts. I changed nothing but what type of T-shirts I wear. I traded in my men's T-shirts for boring women's T-shirts. That's it. Same shoes, same jeans, same everything.
Seems dumb? It's not.
First of all, women's T-shirts are cut different. But they are also colored different and they feel different. And that last part was important to me–ESPECIALLY since I started this after starting estrogen.
If you haven’t done HRT and are planning to… realize that your men’s clothes will straight up HURT on estrogen. They feel like wearing burlap and sandpaper. Women’s cloths are just… softer, lighter, thinner. They feel very different. And that slight difference was huge for my mental health. They made me feel more femme.
And the best part: nobody noticed or cared that I was wearing a woman's T-shirt. But I did.
I wore just woman's T-shirts for months. Not scoop neck, those look…too femme. I wore V-neck, or just regular crew neck. Mostly V-neck. They look "European" and "metrosexual." Nothing to see here.
Where did I buy them?
Your new friend: Thrift stores.
In my tiny mountain town, there is one main thrift store, and it has literally rows of plain, colored, women's T-shirts. These are often V-neck or scoop neck. Sometime they have cap sleeves (Look it up). Thrift stores. Use them. No excuses. If I can find women’s T-shirts in my tiny town, they'll be in any bigger than 5000 people city.
No designs, no frills. Plain V-neck woman's T-shirt. I bought as many colors as I could find, but started with brown and black until I was comfortable.
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I wore just woman's T-shirts for months. Not scoop neck, those look…too femme. I wore V-neck, or just regular crew neck. Mostly V-neck. They look "European" and "metrosexual." Nothing to see here.
Where did I buy them?
Your new friend: Thrift stores.
In my tiny mountain town, there is one main thrift store, and it has literally rows of plain, colored, women's T-shirts. These are often V-neck or scoop neck. Sometime they have cap sleeves (Look it up). Thrift stores. Use them. No excuses. If I can find women’s T-shirts in my tiny town, they'll be in any bigger than 5000 people city.
No designs, no frills. Plain V-neck woman's T-shirt. I bought as many colors as I could find, but started with brown and black until I was comfortable.
After a couple months of wearing brown and black women's t-shirts, I moved to dark blue, then light blue, then purple, then pink, then pick with stripes, then abstract designs, then flower designs, then…
This is the important thing:
I kept wearing them. And every time I wore one, nothing happened. And every time nothing happened, I felt more confident.
Finally, (About 3 months) I threw all my other T-shirts away and only had women's Ts. Eventually, the T-shirts became normal. It was just part of my look. I didn't think about it, and nobody else thought about it.
At that point, I could make another change and it would be a small change. So I moved onto jeans.
Okay, here's where shit gets dark…
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After a couple months of wearing brown and black women's t-shirts, I moved to dark blue, then light blue, then purple, then pink, then pick with stripes, then abstract designs, then flower designs, then…
This is the important thing:
I kept wearing them. And every time I wore one, nothing happened. And every time nothing happened, I felt more confident.
Finally, (About 3 months) I threw all my other T-shirts away and only had women's Ts. Eventually, the T-shirts became normal. It was just part of my look. I didn't think about it, and nobody else thought about it.
At that point, I could make another change and it would be a small change. So I moved onto jeans.
Okay, here's where shit gets dark…
I’m not gonna lie. This will not be easy, and may break you. Entering the world of women's jeans is the closest I've ever come to entering the gates of hell.
Trying to get used to women’s jeans is going to make you feel crazy. It's going to make you feel broken and wrong and like you don't belong.
Repeat this mantra: This happens to all women.
Literally, I had so many cis women come out to complain about how much jeans-buying sucked that it seemed to be an almost universal woman experience. There are so many cuts, so many size variations, it's like it's set up to make you crazy. So don't feel bad. It's going to suck.
But there's hope…
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I’m not gonna lie. This will not be easy, and may break you. Entering the world of women's jeans is the closest I've ever come to entering the gates of hell.
Trying to get used to women’s jeans is going to make you feel crazy. It's going to make you feel broken and wrong and like you don't belong.
Repeat this mantra: This happens to all women.
Literally, I had so many cis women come out to complain about how much jeans-buying sucked that it seemed to be an almost universal woman experience. There are so many cuts, so many size variations, it's like it's set up to make you crazy. So don't feel bad. It's going to suck.
But there's hope…
First thing to realize about jeans…You're not buying them off the rack anymore.
Sorry, it just probably won't work. If you try on 37 different cuts and sizes in the store, you may get lucky and find one.
Second thing: Unfortunately, you have to try on like 37 different cuts and sizes. Because every company makes them different.
Third: Your waist is above your illiac crest now, not on your hips. It's gonna feel weird. You need to get used to high waist lines. Don’t wear your jeans low. It’s like an inch below your belly button, or AT your belly button.
I know, I know, but trust me. Start doing that now. Get it over that belly.
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First thing to realize about jeans…You're not buying them off the rack anymore.
Sorry, it just probably won't work. If you try on 37 different cuts and sizes in the store, you may get lucky and find one.
Second thing: Unfortunately, you have to try on like 37 different cuts and sizes. Because every company makes them different.
Third: Your waist is above your illiac crest now, not on your hips. It's gonna feel weird. You need to get used to high waist lines. Don’t wear your jeans low. It’s like an inch below your belly button, or AT your belly button.
I know, I know, but trust me. Start doing that now. Get it over that belly.
It's going to take you a while to find jeans, and you need to find ones that fit your body and your style. This is where shit gets really dark.
Because trying on women's clothes for the first few times is going to absolutely SUUUCK
This is where you need someone else. Either a cis woman who loves you–and, more importantly, loves her femininity. Don’t fuck around with those white second-wave feminists who hate femininity.
Find a cis woman who’s like “Fuck yes! Being a woman fucking rocks! Let’s get you looking femme!” Or find an experienced Trans woman. You need someone else there.
Let me say this again: The first few times you are trying on women’s jeans, you need someone else there.
The only thing more important than having someone else there is… HAVING SOMEONE ELSE THERE
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It's going to take you a while to find jeans, and you need to find ones that fit your body and your style. This is where shit gets really dark.
Because trying on women's clothes for the first few times is going to absolutely SUUUCK
This is where you need someone else. Either a cis woman who loves you–and, more importantly, loves her femininity. Don’t fuck around with those white second-wave feminists who hate femininity.
Find a cis woman who’s like “Fuck yes! Being a woman fucking rocks! Let’s get you looking femme!” Or find an experienced Trans woman. You need someone else there.
Let me say this again: The first few times you are trying on women’s jeans, you need someone else there.
The only thing more important than having someone else there is… HAVING SOMEONE ELSE THERE
Plain T-shirts in a thrift store, you can do by yourself. (even then, you may want someone else)
But anything beyond that is impossible to do alone in the early stages.
Why?
Because Dysphoria won't let you.
Everything you try on is going to look horrible and make you feel bad. You can't trust yourself. You need someone else there to say "Yes, that looks good" and even though you won't believe them, you have to trust them.
And if they say “that doesn’t look good on you” you have to believe them, no matter how much you want to look cute in the skater skirt. But you also have to believe that it’s not YOU that is the problem, it’s fashion and society. (And eventually, you can probably get to the skater skirt). But you need someone else to see it.
You can't see it yourself.
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Plain T-shirts in a thrift store, you can do by yourself. (even then, you may want someone else)
But anything beyond that is impossible to do alone in the early stages.
Why?
Because Dysphoria won't let you.
Everything you try on is going to look horrible and make you feel bad. You can't trust yourself. You need someone else there to say "Yes, that looks good" and even though you won't believe them, you have to trust them.
And if they say “that doesn’t look good on you” you have to believe them, no matter how much you want to look cute in the skater skirt. But you also have to believe that it’s not YOU that is the problem, it’s fashion and society. (And eventually, you can probably get to the skater skirt). But you need someone else to see it.
You can't see it yourself.
And, as much as this sucks, you have to try on A LOT of pants before you find a single pair that works. If you're tall like me, it's even harder, because everything is sized for the average woman's height. But there are some gems I've found.
The first is Alloy Apparel. They specialize in clothes for tall women, and at 6'3" without any hips, I can say that their high-waisted skinny jeans are to die for!
Tall Clothing for Tall Women & Girls
Shop the latest trends in extended sizes, long inseams and curvy options without extended prices! Alloy is known as the Tall Girl destination for fashion-forward denim, pants, stylish jumpsuits, chic dresses, and tops at affordable prices.
Alloy Apparel (www.alloyapparel.com)
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And, as much as this sucks, you have to try on A LOT of pants before you find a single pair that works. If you're tall like me, it's even harder, because everything is sized for the average woman's height. But there are some gems I've found.
The first is Alloy Apparel. They specialize in clothes for tall women, and at 6'3" without any hips, I can say that their high-waisted skinny jeans are to die for!
Tall Clothing for Tall Women & Girls
Shop the latest trends in extended sizes, long inseams and curvy options without extended prices! Alloy is known as the Tall Girl destination for fashion-forward denim, pants, stylish jumpsuits, chic dresses, and tops at affordable prices.
Alloy Apparel (www.alloyapparel.com)
Another place for tall women is Long Tall Sally. I still have the first pair of jeans I bought from them. Another high-waisted pair. https://www.longtallsally.com/
Note, with Brexit and the US turning into the nation-state equivalent of an angry toddler, shipping across lines has gotten a bit problematic, and American Tall is another place that’s was suggested, though I haven’t shopped with them. https://americantall.com
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Another place for tall women is Long Tall Sally. I still have the first pair of jeans I bought from them. Another high-waisted pair. https://www.longtallsally.com/
Note, with Brexit and the US turning into the nation-state equivalent of an angry toddler, shipping across lines has gotten a bit problematic, and American Tall is another place that’s was suggested, though I haven’t shopped with them. https://americantall.com
Also, go high waisted. Always.
Sometimes I forget this and go low-waisted and it's a mistake. Sadly, T makes our body shape in the mid-section less than workable for low-waisted jeans, and that's a pretty dysphoric look. It accents the boy belly.
But high-waisted pulls that in a bit and changes the look. It looks more like a femme paunch, and if you're like me, you're totally cool with having that bit of femme in your look.
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Also, go high waisted. Always.
Sometimes I forget this and go low-waisted and it's a mistake. Sadly, T makes our body shape in the mid-section less than workable for low-waisted jeans, and that's a pretty dysphoric look. It accents the boy belly.
But high-waisted pulls that in a bit and changes the look. It looks more like a femme paunch, and if you're like me, you're totally cool with having that bit of femme in your look.
Now, some things to keep in mind when shopping for jeans:
Women's clothes are not made of cardboard.
Those old men’s 501 jeans you buy and live in are a COMPLETELY different animal. Women's jeans, like women's T-shirts, and women's anything else, are thinner, softer, and definitely not "rugged."
You're going to think of them as "cheap," "flimsy," and "low-quality." But let me flip that. They are not (well, they sort of are, but that’s a whole other essay), they are feminine.
And when you wear them, you will likely feel A LOT more feminine… this is a good thing.
This is obviously mostly for the HRT crowd, but women's clothing is weirdly made for women's skin…and women's skin is thinner, softer, and drier. Women's clothing sits against that skin better. Don't think of it as "cheaper" but rather as "more comfortable." Because, at least to me, it really is.
Putting on a pair of men's jeans feels like wearing burlap, now. Like, it literally hurts.
Another thing to remember is women's jeans are cut…well…for women.
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Now, some things to keep in mind when shopping for jeans:
Women's clothes are not made of cardboard.
Those old men’s 501 jeans you buy and live in are a COMPLETELY different animal. Women's jeans, like women's T-shirts, and women's anything else, are thinner, softer, and definitely not "rugged."
You're going to think of them as "cheap," "flimsy," and "low-quality." But let me flip that. They are not (well, they sort of are, but that’s a whole other essay), they are feminine.
And when you wear them, you will likely feel A LOT more feminine… this is a good thing.
This is obviously mostly for the HRT crowd, but women's clothing is weirdly made for women's skin…and women's skin is thinner, softer, and drier. Women's clothing sits against that skin better. Don't think of it as "cheaper" but rather as "more comfortable." Because, at least to me, it really is.
Putting on a pair of men's jeans feels like wearing burlap, now. Like, it literally hurts.
Another thing to remember is women's jeans are cut…well…for women.
Women's jeans are also meant to be tight. And straight talk: You probably have a penis, and very possibly have balls. That's a hefty wad of packaged meat in between your legs packed into tight jeans.
Women don't have this, so their jeans are not cut to "hold" it. So either you tuck or, if you're like me and can't, you stretch the crotch out. There's not an option here. Tight jeans without a crotch paired with 3/4 pounds of beef is going to cause some stretch problems.
Is a stretched crotch a reason to not wear women's jeans? No way. Not to me. I just know that my early jeans are… "sacrificial".
Women's jeans just make me feel better.
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Women's jeans are also meant to be tight. And straight talk: You probably have a penis, and very possibly have balls. That's a hefty wad of packaged meat in between your legs packed into tight jeans.
Women don't have this, so their jeans are not cut to "hold" it. So either you tuck or, if you're like me and can't, you stretch the crotch out. There's not an option here. Tight jeans without a crotch paired with 3/4 pounds of beef is going to cause some stretch problems.
Is a stretched crotch a reason to not wear women's jeans? No way. Not to me. I just know that my early jeans are… "sacrificial".
Women's jeans just make me feel better.
So, here it is is the Trans Femme Uniform for the first…oh, 8 months of my transition:
Plain, one color, v-neck women's T-shirt
High-waisted women's jeans
That's it. That's ALL I changed. I wore jeans and T-shirts before, and I wore them for 8 months after.
And NOBODY said ANYTHING. Most people never even noticed, or they told me “You look so nice!”
You can make these changes TODAY.
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So, here it is is the Trans Femme Uniform for the first…oh, 8 months of my transition:
Plain, one color, v-neck women's T-shirt
High-waisted women's jeans
That's it. That's ALL I changed. I wore jeans and T-shirts before, and I wore them for 8 months after.
And NOBODY said ANYTHING. Most people never even noticed, or they told me “You look so nice!”
You can make these changes TODAY.
This is what I now affectionately call The Plausibly Deniable Femme Uniform, after another, more experienced, Trans woman saw me in it and said that I wasn't branching out and was only wearing clothes that were "plausibly deniable."
But that's the thing, there was a power in that I desperately needed. The ability to wear actual women's clothing, and not fall on my face. I didn't have to wear a skirt, I didn't have a flowered shirt. I had basically the same clothes as before, just girl style.
The Plausably Deniable Femme Uniform allowed me to do two things:
Wear women's clothing everyday and start to crawl out of my dysphoria shell
Experiment with other directions safely, while having a solid and safe base to work on.
For instance… shoes!!
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This is what I now affectionately call The Plausibly Deniable Femme Uniform, after another, more experienced, Trans woman saw me in it and said that I wasn't branching out and was only wearing clothes that were "plausibly deniable."
But that's the thing, there was a power in that I desperately needed. The ability to wear actual women's clothing, and not fall on my face. I didn't have to wear a skirt, I didn't have a flowered shirt. I had basically the same clothes as before, just girl style.
The Plausably Deniable Femme Uniform allowed me to do two things:
Wear women's clothing everyday and start to crawl out of my dysphoria shell
Experiment with other directions safely, while having a solid and safe base to work on.
For instance… shoes!!
Wearing just jeans and a t-shirt, I was comfortable, I was safe, I was femme but not dangerously femme.
Then I started looking at shoes.
Well, I published a whole-ass essay about women's shoes, but suffice it to say… Sorry babe, it's back to the gates of hell for you.
Same deal as pants. Women told me how they will try on 20 pairs of shoes, all in the same size, and maybe find one that fits. It's a nightmare.
Made worse by T, which gives you huge women's sizes.
Women's shoe sizes are basically 2 US/UK numbers above men's sizes. There are dozens of conversion tables out there. Get familiar.
Measure your feet by putting your heel against a wall on a piece of paper and holding a narrow pen at your big toe. Get the size in centimeters and look it up.
Then realize that, unless you're really lucky, you will never see this size in a women's shoe department.
Gates.
Of.
Hell. -
Wearing just jeans and a t-shirt, I was comfortable, I was safe, I was femme but not dangerously femme.
Then I started looking at shoes.
Well, I published a whole-ass essay about women's shoes, but suffice it to say… Sorry babe, it's back to the gates of hell for you.
Same deal as pants. Women told me how they will try on 20 pairs of shoes, all in the same size, and maybe find one that fits. It's a nightmare.
Made worse by T, which gives you huge women's sizes.
Women's shoe sizes are basically 2 US/UK numbers above men's sizes. There are dozens of conversion tables out there. Get familiar.
Measure your feet by putting your heel against a wall on a piece of paper and holding a narrow pen at your big toe. Get the size in centimeters and look it up.
Then realize that, unless you're really lucky, you will never see this size in a women's shoe department.
Gates.
Of.
Hell.You're size is going to be anything from a full size below that to a full size above. It sucks, but you just have to look keep trying.
But, there is hope! I have really enormous feet (14-15), but I've found that Torrid has decent shoes up to a 15. And they're good shoes.
I tried 7 pairs of 14s, all too small. Then I bought these cute booties I found because I fit in a 13 wide from Torrid.
The 14s were too big, but the 13 fit, but I’m a size 14-15. Why? I DON'T KNOW! WOMEN'S SIZING IS DUMB!!
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You're size is going to be anything from a full size below that to a full size above. It sucks, but you just have to look keep trying.
But, there is hope! I have really enormous feet (14-15), but I've found that Torrid has decent shoes up to a 15. And they're good shoes.
I tried 7 pairs of 14s, all too small. Then I bought these cute booties I found because I fit in a 13 wide from Torrid.
The 14s were too big, but the 13 fit, but I’m a size 14-15. Why? I DON'T KNOW! WOMEN'S SIZING IS DUMB!!
Another great place I've recently bought shoes was Inkkas. They have 14 and 15 in more casual/hiking shoes, which I could not find elsewhere. And all of their stuff is cute! The thing about Inkkas is that it’s totally Plausible Deniability. You can wear those with any man’s clothing and nobody would notice.
I bought a women's 14 in a hiking boot and even though I'm a wide in most women's shoes, they fit snug but comfortable.
inkkas® | Handcrafted for Adventure ☺︎
Handcrafted footwear made for everyday adventure. Every pair features bold artistry and all-day comfort. Over half a million trees planted. Free US shipping over $150, easy returns, worldwide shipping.
Inkkas (inkkas.com)
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Another great place I've recently bought shoes was Inkkas. They have 14 and 15 in more casual/hiking shoes, which I could not find elsewhere. And all of their stuff is cute! The thing about Inkkas is that it’s totally Plausible Deniability. You can wear those with any man’s clothing and nobody would notice.
I bought a women's 14 in a hiking boot and even though I'm a wide in most women's shoes, they fit snug but comfortable.
inkkas® | Handcrafted for Adventure ☺︎
Handcrafted footwear made for everyday adventure. Every pair features bold artistry and all-day comfort. Over half a million trees planted. Free US shipping over $150, easy returns, worldwide shipping.
Inkkas (inkkas.com)
Finally, someone in the original thread pointed out that Tresolz.com is good, and carries up to size 16 shoes. I have not used them but definitely want to because they look like Black Girl Magic.
Large Size Women's Shoes
Stylish shoes that ACTUALLY FIT women with plus size or large feet. We carry trendy, wide width shoes in sizes 9.5 to 16. We are proud to be Canadian-owned, Black-owned, and Women-owned. From everyday wear to special occasion shoes, you are sure to find something beautiful for work, weddings, or the grocery store!
Trèsolz (tresolz.com)
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Finally, someone in the original thread pointed out that Tresolz.com is good, and carries up to size 16 shoes. I have not used them but definitely want to because they look like Black Girl Magic.
Large Size Women's Shoes
Stylish shoes that ACTUALLY FIT women with plus size or large feet. We carry trendy, wide width shoes in sizes 9.5 to 16. We are proud to be Canadian-owned, Black-owned, and Women-owned. From everyday wear to special occasion shoes, you are sure to find something beautiful for work, weddings, or the grocery store!
Trèsolz (tresolz.com)
This is The Plausibly Deniable Femme Uniform.
Plain, one color, woman's V-neck T-shirt
Women's high waist jean's
A pair of Inkkas sneakers.
That's it. Lean on it. Wear it. Get comfortable in it. You want this to be your every day uniform. Because once it's comfortable, trying other things is not "a whole outfit," it's just trying one thing.
After a while, you will be comfortable wearing ALL WOMAN’S CLOTHES. You want to try a more blouse-style shirt? It’s just ONE THING. You want to try dangly earrings? It’s just ONE THING.
You have the uniform as a safe home base. And can take small steps from there. I can’t wait to see what you try next.
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@FinalGirl Another I do a lot for my butch self is just do androgynous shoes like Converse or Toms or whatever. Everyone wears those and the men's and women's look the same. For Converse, I put in fun shoelaces - currently rainbow ones
Okay so adding @JessTheUnstill's suggestion to #TransFemmeClothing because Converse is a great option and has our sizes.
They also have knee-high boot style, which are SO CUUUUUTE!
