*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
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"Using a global bovine density dataset, previously published satellite casualty probability code, and a complete lack of funding to do this calculation carefully enough for submission to a peer-reviewed journal, we calculate a ≃ 0.3–1% chance of a cow-sualty in NZ from reentering Starlink Gen2 debris over the next 5 years."
This is NOT peer-reviewed, though we wish it was! Maybe this silly cow-culation will be enough to get some government agency to fund us to do this better!
This is the highest footnote count and highest pun density of anything I've ever written. And it was WAY more fun than writing a research paper or a scicomm article!
Please enjoy reading, laugh at our puns, and then talk to your government representatives about better regulation of satellites in orbit, and accountability for their pollution!
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"Using a global bovine density dataset, previously published satellite casualty probability code, and a complete lack of funding to do this calculation carefully enough for submission to a peer-reviewed journal, we calculate a ≃ 0.3–1% chance of a cow-sualty in NZ from reentering Starlink Gen2 debris over the next 5 years."
This is NOT peer-reviewed, though we wish it was! Maybe this silly cow-culation will be enough to get some government agency to fund us to do this better!
@sundogplanets
Have you checked if there is a cowsal relation between the falling debris and the cowsualties?
#cowreletionisnotcowsation -
*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
Astronomy has a fine tradition of April Fool's Day papers, where there are real calculations, but perhaps on a very silly topic.
Compilation of this year's Acta Prima Aprilia papers here: https://www.actaprimaaprilia.com/2026-issue
@sundogplanets Thanks! I am not usually a fan of April Fools jokes, but I love your paper.
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"Using a global bovine density dataset, previously published satellite casualty probability code, and a complete lack of funding to do this calculation carefully enough for submission to a peer-reviewed journal, we calculate a ≃ 0.3–1% chance of a cow-sualty in NZ from reentering Starlink Gen2 debris over the next 5 years."
This is NOT peer-reviewed, though we wish it was! Maybe this silly cow-culation will be enough to get some government agency to fund us to do this better!
@sundogplanets Given that you were working with Kiwis, amazed that not one of them complained about baa-d calculations.
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*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
Astronomy has a fine tradition of April Fool's Day papers, where there are real calculations, but perhaps on a very silly topic.
Compilation of this year's Acta Prima Aprilia papers here: https://www.actaprimaaprilia.com/2026-issue
@sundogplanets yes! There's the spherical cow.
I salute you. -
Along with @astrokiwi.bsky.social and Laura Revell, we wrote "Cow-culation: Reentry Impact Risk to Livestock in the Satellite Megaconstellation Era" https://arxiv.org/pdf/2603.29324
This all started because the three of us were writing about pollution from satellites and bemoaning the fact that there is basically no funding for this serious, rapidly growing issue. But you know what does get a lot of funding in NZ? Cows! And the joke began...
@sundogplanets
This is probably the most funny, clever, and serious April fools joke that I have ever seen. Well done!But do I understand this correctly, that the risk of a cow getting hit by a falling satellite is orders of magnitudes higher that a cow getting eaten by a shark?
By the way, I need some of this NZ cheese.
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@astrokiwi.bsky.social more research is needed I guess
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This is the highest footnote count and highest pun density of anything I've ever written. And it was WAY more fun than writing a research paper or a scicomm article!
Please enjoy reading, laugh at our puns, and then talk to your government representatives about better regulation of satellites in orbit, and accountability for their pollution!
@sundogplanets for the [citation needed] in the target cross section of a cow, maybe the ruminant procurement Departement oft the NZ Army can provide data https://youtu.be/4f2XbOY9kcg
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*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
Astronomy has a fine tradition of April Fool's Day papers, where there are real calculations, but perhaps on a very silly topic.
Compilation of this year's Acta Prima Aprilia papers here: https://www.actaprimaaprilia.com/2026-issue
@sundogplanets "These papers are proof that when 'words' are given creative freedom, science can become a beautiful art."
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This is the highest footnote count and highest pun density of anything I've ever written. And it was WAY more fun than writing a research paper or a scicomm article!
Please enjoy reading, laugh at our puns, and then talk to your government representatives about better regulation of satellites in orbit, and accountability for their pollution!
@sundogplanets it's glorious! I can only imagine how much fun it was to write.
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This is the highest footnote count and highest pun density of anything I've ever written. And it was WAY more fun than writing a research paper or a scicomm article!
Please enjoy reading, laugh at our puns, and then talk to your government representatives about better regulation of satellites in orbit, and accountability for their pollution!
@sundogplanets
Cow-gratulations for this really funny idea and the research effort!
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*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
Astronomy has a fine tradition of April Fool's Day papers, where there are real calculations, but perhaps on a very silly topic.
Compilation of this year's Acta Prima Aprilia papers here: https://www.actaprimaaprilia.com/2026-issue
I wonder if nature will select for cows with taller, stronger horns, which protect against falling debris?
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*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
Astronomy has a fine tradition of April Fool's Day papers, where there are real calculations, but perhaps on a very silly topic.
Compilation of this year's Acta Prima Aprilia papers here: https://www.actaprimaaprilia.com/2026-issue
Maybe Cowsler Syndrome will finally be recognized for the threat it poses.
The potential risk of a bovine ablation cascade remains a shockingly neglected field.
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*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
Astronomy has a fine tradition of April Fool's Day papers, where there are real calculations, but perhaps on a very silly topic.
Compilation of this year's Acta Prima Aprilia papers here: https://www.actaprimaaprilia.com/2026-issue
@sundogplanets Banana-fueled interstellar travel is amazing...
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*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
Astronomy has a fine tradition of April Fool's Day papers, where there are real calculations, but perhaps on a very silly topic.
Compilation of this year's Acta Prima Aprilia papers here: https://www.actaprimaaprilia.com/2026-issue
@sundogplanets So those cow mutilations (statically) ARE from space!
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Along with @astrokiwi.bsky.social and Laura Revell, we wrote "Cow-culation: Reentry Impact Risk to Livestock in the Satellite Megaconstellation Era" https://arxiv.org/pdf/2603.29324
This all started because the three of us were writing about pollution from satellites and bemoaning the fact that there is basically no funding for this serious, rapidly growing issue. But you know what does get a lot of funding in NZ? Cows! And the joke began...
@sundogplanets @astrokiwi.bsky.social I love it! Cow jokes are simply bovine!
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"Using a global bovine density dataset, previously published satellite casualty probability code, and a complete lack of funding to do this calculation carefully enough for submission to a peer-reviewed journal, we calculate a ≃ 0.3–1% chance of a cow-sualty in NZ from reentering Starlink Gen2 debris over the next 5 years."
This is NOT peer-reviewed, though we wish it was! Maybe this silly cow-culation will be enough to get some government agency to fund us to do this better!
@sundogplanets So, not a zero chance, but not cowtastrophic either. Good to know!
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*Secret hilarious project* is now live!
Astronomy has a fine tradition of April Fool's Day papers, where there are real calculations, but perhaps on a very silly topic.
Compilation of this year's Acta Prima Aprilia papers here: https://www.actaprimaaprilia.com/2026-issue
@sundogplanets This is Ignoble worthy.
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This is the highest footnote count and highest pun density of anything I've ever written. And it was WAY more fun than writing a research paper or a scicomm article!
Please enjoy reading, laugh at our puns, and then talk to your government representatives about better regulation of satellites in orbit, and accountability for their pollution!
@sundogplanets It’s rare to find magnificent bucolic content like this on a medium such as Moostodon. Thank you, and well done!
️🤭
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Along with @astrokiwi.bsky.social and Laura Revell, we wrote "Cow-culation: Reentry Impact Risk to Livestock in the Satellite Megaconstellation Era" https://arxiv.org/pdf/2603.29324
This all started because the three of us were writing about pollution from satellites and bemoaning the fact that there is basically no funding for this serious, rapidly growing issue. But you know what does get a lot of funding in NZ? Cows! And the joke began...
@sundogplanets absolutely amazing work, professor! Your cowculations are immooculate!
