Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me that I have such a hard time finding a romantic relationship.
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Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me that I have such a hard time finding a romantic relationship. I’m tall, intelligent, and have an average appearance and figure – in that regard, I don’t think there’s anything terrible about me that would significantly disqualify me.
And then there are plenty of other people who are more or less attractive and intelligent, more or less good and decent, and yet they have no trouble with relationships.
I really don’t know where the problem lies, but this situation is very frustrating.
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Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me that I have such a hard time finding a romantic relationship. I’m tall, intelligent, and have an average appearance and figure – in that regard, I don’t think there’s anything terrible about me that would significantly disqualify me.
And then there are plenty of other people who are more or less attractive and intelligent, more or less good and decent, and yet they have no trouble with relationships.
I really don’t know where the problem lies, but this situation is very frustrating.
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Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me that I have such a hard time finding a romantic relationship. I’m tall, intelligent, and have an average appearance and figure – in that regard, I don’t think there’s anything terrible about me that would significantly disqualify me.
And then there are plenty of other people who are more or less attractive and intelligent, more or less good and decent, and yet they have no trouble with relationships.
I really don’t know where the problem lies, but this situation is very frustrating.
@autismunicorn All kinds of relationships seem to be becoming more and more difficult to form nowadays, and loneliness is pretty much an epidemic, especially amongst our folk. Before I go and offer some ponderings or commiserations, would you like either?
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@autismunicorn All kinds of relationships seem to be becoming more and more difficult to form nowadays, and loneliness is pretty much an epidemic, especially amongst our folk. Before I go and offer some ponderings or commiserations, would you like either?
@undefined_variable I know that these days it’s generally difficult to find a romantic relationship, and even neurotypical people struggle with this, but when I look at the world around me and see people who, from my perspective, are worse off than I am, and yet they have no trouble with relationships—and in the case of men, they even have very attractive partners—I simply can’t help but wonder about it, because then it seems to me that there’s something wrong with me when other people don’t have these kinds of problems.
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@undefined_variable I know that these days it’s generally difficult to find a romantic relationship, and even neurotypical people struggle with this, but when I look at the world around me and see people who, from my perspective, are worse off than I am, and yet they have no trouble with relationships—and in the case of men, they even have very attractive partners—I simply can’t help but wonder about it, because then it seems to me that there’s something wrong with me when other people don’t have these kinds of problems.
@autismunicorn Not saying this is the case for you, but it certainly is for me, that is for me the "scale" of relationships is off compared to the neuromajority. For me, for example, being a friend is a higher standard than it is to them, and I consider very few people being such to me, or me to them. And I know there are people who consider me their friend, but I don't share that assessment.
The same would apply to romantic relationships, had I not realized I'm pretty deep in the aroace end of things. But still, a partner status would be a much higher bar for me than it seems to be for the neuromajority. So why relationships seem easier to them is because... they are easier to them. And also, they are better at pretending, maybe things are hard for them too (a sidetrack, with a content warning, Henry Rollins' "I know you" is about loneliness and alienation and has this line about that "...they sure do a good job of hiding it")
Your situation probably is different, and you have your own things. Not necessarily something wrong, just something different.
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@autismunicorn Not saying this is the case for you, but it certainly is for me, that is for me the "scale" of relationships is off compared to the neuromajority. For me, for example, being a friend is a higher standard than it is to them, and I consider very few people being such to me, or me to them. And I know there are people who consider me their friend, but I don't share that assessment.
The same would apply to romantic relationships, had I not realized I'm pretty deep in the aroace end of things. But still, a partner status would be a much higher bar for me than it seems to be for the neuromajority. So why relationships seem easier to them is because... they are easier to them. And also, they are better at pretending, maybe things are hard for them too (a sidetrack, with a content warning, Henry Rollins' "I know you" is about loneliness and alienation and has this line about that "...they sure do a good job of hiding it")
Your situation probably is different, and you have your own things. Not necessarily something wrong, just something different.
@undefined_variable Yes, I believe that NT people are naturally good at meeting new people and find it easier to do so. Personally, I see the problem as being that I basically don’t socialize much; I’m withdrawn and shy, and I don’t know how to approach people. So even if I did go out and socialize, I wouldn’t have a clue how to do it. I don’t know how to make small talk, and I don’t even like it. I don’t have the courage to approach a woman, and women aren’t in the habit of approaching men either—at least that hasn’t happened to me yet.
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@undefined_variable Yes, I believe that NT people are naturally good at meeting new people and find it easier to do so. Personally, I see the problem as being that I basically don’t socialize much; I’m withdrawn and shy, and I don’t know how to approach people. So even if I did go out and socialize, I wouldn’t have a clue how to do it. I don’t know how to make small talk, and I don’t even like it. I don’t have the courage to approach a woman, and women aren’t in the habit of approaching men either—at least that hasn’t happened to me yet.
@autismunicorn Well, seeing what your problem is is the first step to start solving it. Personally, I don't think anyone should go against themselves, so if you're shy and that's your true self, you don't have to lose that bit, it's something that makes you you. If you don't like smalltalk, find people who don't like it either, they're out there. If it's something you'd like to be able to do, but just don't know how, all those are skills, and skills can be learnt, the big rub there is to find safe people to learn and practice them with, and that's really hard.
Under not going against yourself goes also not trying to shove yourself into boxes that are not you. Speaking as someone who's shoved themself in all kinds of boxes and situations and whatnot just to find out I don't belong there. What has worked for me, to some extent, has been to find something I want to do regardless who's there doing it with me. That way the doing part is interesting to me and there's no pressure on the people part. I'm still lonely and unpartnered, but especially the latter one is now more by choice than forced on me.
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Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me that I have such a hard time finding a romantic relationship. I’m tall, intelligent, and have an average appearance and figure – in that regard, I don’t think there’s anything terrible about me that would significantly disqualify me.
And then there are plenty of other people who are more or less attractive and intelligent, more or less good and decent, and yet they have no trouble with relationships.
I really don’t know where the problem lies, but this situation is very frustrating.
Welp, you're definitely not alone in this!
I have no clue how to do this anymore. It seems impossible and I'm not even sure it's something that I could achieve any longer, even if it somehow dropped into my lap.
I used to be good at it? I think? I used to be able to find and develop relationships and keep them for however long? Not anymore. I can't imagine having somebody that intimately in my life again.
Sometimes I miss it like crazy, but most of the time I can't imagine what it would look like now. I feel too broken and too weird and too old. At least my dogs like me.
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Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me that I have such a hard time finding a romantic relationship. I’m tall, intelligent, and have an average appearance and figure – in that regard, I don’t think there’s anything terrible about me that would significantly disqualify me.
And then there are plenty of other people who are more or less attractive and intelligent, more or less good and decent, and yet they have no trouble with relationships.
I really don’t know where the problem lies, but this situation is very frustrating.
@autismunicorn Wish I knew where other autistic and non-NT people hang out. Other than on Mastodon apparently!
I have no idea anymore how to meet people. In my 50s, and been alone now for far too long.
Do get back to us if you figure it out. I'm certain many of us would like to know.
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