Vulnerability time again.
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@alice I see you. And you’re not just a pretty face, you never have been. You’ve always been scintillating and smart and well read and fun. Easy on the eyes conveys some privilege, but not enough to invalidate all the other good things you are and you do. 🥰
@alice Also... What @MissConstrue said!
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This is, of course, not a fishing for support or compliments sort of post. I wanted to share so that folx have a little window into how our society forces unrealistic expectations on all of us in different ways. E.g. when everything is a competition, everyone loses most of the time.
@alice Thank you for sharing this. Gonna sit with and reflect on it.
Edit: Yeah, wow. Considering more of how society hits us each individually is a lot. Those insidious little ways we get poked at and worn down to be more easily exploited for what we have to offer. It's so upsetting and so exhausting.
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Vulnerability time again.
So, in the bucket of "semi-innocuous things that can fuck you up for life", I cried this morning after waking from a stupid anxiety dream.
Why? Well strap in...
All my life people have told me I'm attractive (boo-hoo, right?). Which also means, all my life I've had people tell me I'm vain, or shallow, or that I'm using my looks manipulatively. People have also informed me that looks don't last, and that I'd "better have a plan B"¹ for when they inevitably fade.
¹ not that kind of plan B
And, with brains being the lovely little pattern-seeking machines they are, mine condensed this down to "People like/hate you for your looks. If you're not pretty enough, you're worthless; if you're too pretty you're a bad person".
I've written before about my ex-spouse who told me, in a crowded cafe, "people only listen to you because you're fuckable" (this was in response to telling them that two psychologists had favorably reviewed my paper on autism self-diagnostic criteria)
I've also written about how I never really found myself attractive until just recently (thanks therapy, healthy relationships, and Fedi). I recognized that other folx did—or at least said they did, but—with my lifelong history of abuse—I didn't see it. I think it took, at least in part, having a healthy, loving, asexual partner for me to start liking myself in new ways. And, as she said after I told her about the dream this morning, "if I'm using you for your body, I'm doing a really bad job of it"
So what was the dream? It was a pretty basic theater anxiety dream.
I was in a play (playing the male lead, I think), and I'd spent the morning doing my costume and makeup for the part. Someone ran by and let me know I was on in 7 minutes. It was then I realized no one had given me a script, and I didn't know anything about my lines or the play. A perfectly reasonable panic attack ensued, and then I woke up.
Now, I don't usually read into dreams; dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag. But this one was pretty on the nose.
I had spent all my time trying to look the role, and had completely failed to do the part that matters...and now it was too late—I was the pretty one with no substance.
@alice May I remind you that the vast majority of us has never seen your full face? Those of us who call you pretty on the internet mostly extrapolate from your taste and style. You'll keep those all your life even if (not when!) nature takes away your pretty face and smooth skin.
People might not call you "hot" anymore when you're 80 but they'll for sure say "damn, I wish I'll look like that when I get to your age", pointing at one of the coolest outfits ever seen on a retiree.
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This is, of course, not a fishing for support or compliments sort of post. I wanted to share so that folx have a little window into how our society forces unrealistic expectations on all of us in different ways. E.g. when everything is a competition, everyone loses most of the time.
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@alice Wait. You´re cool and awesome and all... Love your brains, fwiw... (not a zombie! I promise!) ... And I am still mad at your ex...
@sasutina13 I've moved on and forgiven them for their part in our toxic relationship, but I can't forget *why* they're my ex, lest I look back at just the good parts and second guess my decision to run.
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Agreed. A lot of people just get told to not even try unless you do/are perfect at it from the first go.
Which is just bonkers. You do not have to be the best, you can be quite horrible at something - as long as you learn or have fun. I am horrible at singing, but that won't stop me from humming or singing along.
And making mistakes is how you learn. You didn't fail, you found a method that didn't work. Attempt again with new information and insight.
And if all fails, you still succeeded. You learned something, you had fun. You grew as a person.
The amount of quips we can share are precisely because of us just trying things. Even the things that didn't work out, perhaps especially those, have value. Sometimes as a little story, others as a life lesson.
Don't be scared of trying something (new) or not being the best at it.
Everyone likes an old person with lots of funny stories. So start making them
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This is, of course, not a fishing for support or compliments sort of post. I wanted to share so that folx have a little window into how our society forces unrealistic expectations on all of us in different ways. E.g. when everything is a competition, everyone loses most of the time.
Agreed. A lot of people just get told to not even try unless you do/are perfect at it from the first go.
Which is just bonkers. You do not have to be the best, you can be quite horrible at something - as long as you learn or have fun. I am horrible at singing, but that won't stop me from humming or singing along.
And making mistakes is how you learn. You didn't fail, you found a method that didn't work. Attempt again with new information and insight.
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@autisticplushy @alice Same, especially when papers are generally reviewed by people who have no fucking clue of what you look like. (Ideally, double blind review means they don't even know your name, and reciprocally, but apparently that was not the case for your paper).
Also, I had no clue you had some academic papers. Did you get a PhD out of that ?
And sending hugs !
@Sobex no relevant PhD, but I have a specialization in behavioral science statistics and psychology. My actual degree is in computer and information systems, but psychology research has always been a big part of my professional role.
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This is, of course, not a fishing for support or compliments sort of post. I wanted to share so that folx have a little window into how our society forces unrealistic expectations on all of us in different ways. E.g. when everything is a competition, everyone loses most of the time.
@alice yeah.... I commiserate with you on this!
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@alice May I remind you that the vast majority of us has never seen your full face? Those of us who call you pretty on the internet mostly extrapolate from your taste and style. You'll keep those all your life even if (not when!) nature takes away your pretty face and smooth skin.
People might not call you "hot" anymore when you're 80 but they'll for sure say "damn, I wish I'll look like that when I get to your age", pointing at one of the coolest outfits ever seen on a retiree.
@dfyx aww, that's really sweet...thinking I'll ever be able to afford to retire 🫠
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@sasutina13 I've moved on and forgiven them for their part in our toxic relationship, but I can't forget *why* they're my ex, lest I look back at just the good parts and second guess my decision to run.
@alice Well... I´m still going to be mad at him...
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@dfyx aww, that's really sweet...thinking I'll ever be able to afford to retire 🫠
@alice Initially I tried to find a different word but gave up.
So congratulations, the guy from a country where our generation has at least a minor chance to retire before we drop dead has just become your oracle for a prosperous future. I'll collect my commission in a couple of decades.
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@Sobex no relevant PhD, but I have a specialization in behavioral science statistics and psychology. My actual degree is in computer and information systems, but psychology research has always been a big part of my professional role.
@alice @autisticplushy I'm curious how Physchology research can become part of the job of a Computer graduate
What exactly is it that you do to earn the money to buy locks ? -
@alice @autisticplushy I'm curious how Physchology research can become part of the job of a Computer graduate
What exactly is it that you do to earn the money to buy locks ? -
Vulnerability time again.
So, in the bucket of "semi-innocuous things that can fuck you up for life", I cried this morning after waking from a stupid anxiety dream.
Why? Well strap in...
All my life people have told me I'm attractive (boo-hoo, right?). Which also means, all my life I've had people tell me I'm vain, or shallow, or that I'm using my looks manipulatively. People have also informed me that looks don't last, and that I'd "better have a plan B"¹ for when they inevitably fade.
¹ not that kind of plan B
And, with brains being the lovely little pattern-seeking machines they are, mine condensed this down to "People like/hate you for your looks. If you're not pretty enough, you're worthless; if you're too pretty you're a bad person".
I've written before about my ex-spouse who told me, in a crowded cafe, "people only listen to you because you're fuckable" (this was in response to telling them that two psychologists had favorably reviewed my paper on autism self-diagnostic criteria)
I've also written about how I never really found myself attractive until just recently (thanks therapy, healthy relationships, and Fedi). I recognized that other folx did—or at least said they did, but—with my lifelong history of abuse—I didn't see it. I think it took, at least in part, having a healthy, loving, asexual partner for me to start liking myself in new ways. And, as she said after I told her about the dream this morning, "if I'm using you for your body, I'm doing a really bad job of it"
So what was the dream? It was a pretty basic theater anxiety dream.
I was in a play (playing the male lead, I think), and I'd spent the morning doing my costume and makeup for the part. Someone ran by and let me know I was on in 7 minutes. It was then I realized no one had given me a script, and I didn't know anything about my lines or the play. A perfectly reasonable panic attack ensued, and then I woke up.
Now, I don't usually read into dreams; dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag. But this one was pretty on the nose.
I had spent all my time trying to look the role, and had completely failed to do the part that matters...and now it was too late—I was the pretty one with no substance.
@alice The human mind can behave in some odd ways. Here's Professor Bergman in Space:1999 talking about humans and their brain potential.
Any dreams with negativity should always be consigned to the trash heap.
You are beautiful, kind, loving and considerate. We need more people to be like you.
As Carla said in Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter said, "Beauty fades eventually, but a kind soul remains forever."
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This is, of course, not a fishing for support or compliments sort of post. I wanted to share so that folx have a little window into how our society forces unrealistic expectations on all of us in different ways. E.g. when everything is a competition, everyone loses most of the time.
In my world, society places this sort of judgement on pretty much everything. Seems to be reluctant to credit any position on any spectrum. So I get grief for not expressing an opinion and condemnation when I do. Where my plain-speaking is considered rude. I am grateful I learned to stop worrying about other people's opinions of me. Took a bloody long time to feeling my efforts were good enough. Not for everybody but usually for those who matter to me. As, I suspect, you are.
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Agreed. A lot of people just get told to not even try unless you do/are perfect at it from the first go.
Which is just bonkers. You do not have to be the best, you can be quite horrible at something - as long as you learn or have fun. I am horrible at singing, but that won't stop me from humming or singing along.
And making mistakes is how you learn. You didn't fail, you found a method that didn't work. Attempt again with new information and insight.
@Aprazeth I do wish that we as a species celebrated doing things for the joy of it more, even—and especially—if we're bad at it.
I think it's both a type of gate-keeping, and a way to feel powerful without doing anything positive, when folx put someone down for not being as good at something.
For instance, I'm pretty good at Monster Hunter. It's been my favorite game series since MH3U (2013). I play online a lot, and I inevitably hear someone saying "stay at base noob", "get good", or some equally shitty suggestion to someone who carted (lost one of the group's shared lives).
Instead of shaming, I make it a point to protect newer folx when they enter the fray again, and give them a chance to learn (and also to block folx who act like assholes).
I love that game and, like with everything I love, I want to share it with as many people as possible, so they can experience that joy too (and so I can have one more person to geek out about my passions with).
It's a sad state to think you have to blow out someone else's candle to make yours look brighter.
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@alice @autisticplushy I'm curious how Physchology research can become part of the job of a Computer graduate
What exactly is it that you do to earn the money to buy locks ?@Sobex my job (when I have one) is as an executive (CDO, Head of Data/Data Science), but my skillset is in predicting human behavior (typically at scale).
I originally went to college to become a criminal profiler for the FBI, then changed to computer science, because fuck the establishment (and I could make money right out of college, instead of needing advanced degrees and security clearances).
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Vulnerability time again.
So, in the bucket of "semi-innocuous things that can fuck you up for life", I cried this morning after waking from a stupid anxiety dream.
Why? Well strap in...
All my life people have told me I'm attractive (boo-hoo, right?). Which also means, all my life I've had people tell me I'm vain, or shallow, or that I'm using my looks manipulatively. People have also informed me that looks don't last, and that I'd "better have a plan B"¹ for when they inevitably fade.
¹ not that kind of plan B
And, with brains being the lovely little pattern-seeking machines they are, mine condensed this down to "People like/hate you for your looks. If you're not pretty enough, you're worthless; if you're too pretty you're a bad person".
I've written before about my ex-spouse who told me, in a crowded cafe, "people only listen to you because you're fuckable" (this was in response to telling them that two psychologists had favorably reviewed my paper on autism self-diagnostic criteria)
I've also written about how I never really found myself attractive until just recently (thanks therapy, healthy relationships, and Fedi). I recognized that other folx did—or at least said they did, but—with my lifelong history of abuse—I didn't see it. I think it took, at least in part, having a healthy, loving, asexual partner for me to start liking myself in new ways. And, as she said after I told her about the dream this morning, "if I'm using you for your body, I'm doing a really bad job of it"
So what was the dream? It was a pretty basic theater anxiety dream.
I was in a play (playing the male lead, I think), and I'd spent the morning doing my costume and makeup for the part. Someone ran by and let me know I was on in 7 minutes. It was then I realized no one had given me a script, and I didn't know anything about my lines or the play. A perfectly reasonable panic attack ensued, and then I woke up.
Now, I don't usually read into dreams; dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag. But this one was pretty on the nose.
I had spent all my time trying to look the role, and had completely failed to do the part that matters...and now it was too late—I was the pretty one with no substance.
@alice "dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag”
I absolutely love this description. I miss watching defrag!
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@alice The human mind can behave in some odd ways. Here's Professor Bergman in Space:1999 talking about humans and their brain potential.
Any dreams with negativity should always be consigned to the trash heap.
You are beautiful, kind, loving and considerate. We need more people to be like you.
As Carla said in Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter said, "Beauty fades eventually, but a kind soul remains forever."
@CaptMikeYates lol, I always loved that "humans only use X% of their brains"; it's one of those "things everybody knows that just ain't so" as Carl Marx once said.
