another one of those days where I wake up feeling horrible because I have to Do Things today and it's going to be a Struggle and I am going to Let Myself Down

and then I take my ADHD meds. by the time I've finished my first cup of tea, I feel perfectly capable again. like doing the laundry and cleaning the bathroom are not, in fact, insurmountable obstacles but instead just mildly tedious tasks.

it wasn't until I started taking ADHD meds that I realised what laziness actually was.

laziness is when you know you're perfectly capable of doing a task but you can't be bothered!!

laziness is NOT "my entire brain starts up an agonising struggle process that causes tremendous anxiety and unhappiness the moment I even think about doing something that doesn't maintain a steady feed of dopamine"

it wasn't until I started taking ADHD meds that I realised what laziness actually was.

laziness is when you know you're perfectly capable of doing a task but you can't be bothered!!

laziness is NOT "my entire brain starts up an agonising struggle process that causes tremendous anxiety and unhappiness the moment I even think about doing something that doesn't maintain a steady feed of dopamine"

the thing is, I did my entire undergrad degree in physics undiagnosed and unmedicated and I STILL got a first.

even though a lot of the time I'd sit down to revise (something I wanted and needed to do) and would just end up crying. for eight hours at a time, sometimes. sitting there. barely doing anything. even though I desperately wanted to. even though I liked the subjects. it was absolute misery. my partner will occasionally remind me of how much I was clearly suffering.

but I kept doing it anyway. day after day. putting myself through that ordeal.

and I thought that was laziness.

if I'd had meds for my undergrad degree I probably would have gotten an overall module average of over 90%. it wouldn't have actually meant anything except maybe beating this one girl to the prize for best undergraduate (and she deserved it!), but... idk. it would have been nice to feel, for once, like I was living up to my bastard fucking potential.

@astronomerritt Right! How can it be laziness when I'm putting so much blood, sweat and tears into avoiding a task?

(a first-class degree is the best degree result you can get and you only need an average of over 70% for it, as the difficulty is tuned so that achieving this is quite hard.

my final average was 77%. by my fourth year my marks were high enough that I only had to pass my remaining modules (40%+) to still get a first, so that was all I did, because I was BURNED OUT.)

@astronomerritt ah fuck this is too relatable, I was doing well in a physics degree despite similar struggles but crashed out in fourth year. I still wonder what it would have been like if I had the support and medication I needed.

(a first-class degree is the best degree result you can get and you only need an average of over 70% for it, as the difficulty is tuned so that achieving this is quite hard.

my final average was 77%. by my fourth year my marks were high enough that I only had to pass my remaining modules (40%+) to still get a first, so that was all I did, because I was BURNED OUT.)

@diffractie Oh I sympathise SO HARD, I am so, so sorry you didn't have the support you needed. I came extremely close to crashing out in fourth year myself and I think it was only luck that got me through. You deserved better.

@diffractie Oh I sympathise SO HARD, I am so, so sorry you didn't have the support you needed. I came extremely close to crashing out in fourth year myself and I think it was only luck that got me through. You deserved better.

(a first-class degree is the best degree result you can get and you only need an average of over 70% for it, as the difficulty is tuned so that achieving this is quite hard.

my final average was 77%. by my fourth year my marks were high enough that I only had to pass my remaining modules (40%+) to still get a first, so that was all I did, because I was BURNED OUT.)

@astronomerritt ah fuck this is too relatable, I was doing well in a physics degree despite similar struggles but crashed out in fourth year. I still wonder what it would have been like if I had the support and medication I needed.

it wasn't until I started taking ADHD meds that I realised what laziness actually was.

laziness is when you know you're perfectly capable of doing a task but you can't be bothered!!

laziness is NOT "my entire brain starts up an agonising struggle process that causes tremendous anxiety and unhappiness the moment I even think about doing something that doesn't maintain a steady feed of dopamine"

@astronomerritt Yeah, I know that feeling. It's like the brain transmission won't go into gear...

@astronomerritt This sounds familiar! I wasn't as good, and I scraped a 2:ii when I expected a third, but this was after starting off with everybody assuming I would sail through...

(and yes, I still somehow ended up as an academic 20 years later. That's a longer story involving a lot of (debatable) luck...)

@diffractie
Haha, that sounds familiar Got diagnosed way after failing at being scientist and several other things. The meds helped initially, but eventually did more harm than good. After all I came to the conclusion that I can't be bothered maintaining a system that was built to exclude me.

And in true laziness, I finally figured out how to be happy.

Anyway...Don't feel bad for not meeting someone else's BS standards

@astronomerritt

@iwein The meds definitely do harm and I don’t blame anyone for deciding they’re better off without them! Unfortunately, my ADHD is severe enough that without meds I don’t perform basic self-care like brushing my teeth, so even if the system collapsed tomorrow I’d still need them.

@astronomerritt no judgement, just to be clear. Whatever works, eh?