another one of those days where I wake up feeling horrible because I have to Do Things today and it's going to be a Struggle and I am going to Let Myself Down
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it wasn't until I started taking ADHD meds that I realised what laziness actually was.
laziness is when you know you're perfectly capable of doing a task but you can't be bothered!!
laziness is NOT "my entire brain starts up an agonising struggle process that causes tremendous anxiety and unhappiness the moment I even think about doing something that doesn't maintain a steady feed of dopamine"
the thing is, I did my entire undergrad degree in physics undiagnosed and unmedicated and I STILL got a first.
even though a lot of the time I'd sit down to revise (something I wanted and needed to do) and would just end up crying. for eight hours at a time, sometimes. sitting there. barely doing anything. even though I desperately wanted to. even though I liked the subjects. it was absolute misery. my partner will occasionally remind me of how much I was clearly suffering.
but I kept doing it anyway. day after day. putting myself through that ordeal.
and I thought that was laziness.
if I'd had meds for my undergrad degree I probably would have gotten an overall module average of over 90%. it wouldn't have actually meant anything except maybe beating this one girl to the prize for best undergraduate (and she deserved it!), but... idk. it would have been nice to feel, for once, like I was living up to my bastard fucking potential.
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the thing is, I did my entire undergrad degree in physics undiagnosed and unmedicated and I STILL got a first.
even though a lot of the time I'd sit down to revise (something I wanted and needed to do) and would just end up crying. for eight hours at a time, sometimes. sitting there. barely doing anything. even though I desperately wanted to. even though I liked the subjects. it was absolute misery. my partner will occasionally remind me of how much I was clearly suffering.
but I kept doing it anyway. day after day. putting myself through that ordeal.
and I thought that was laziness.
if I'd had meds for my undergrad degree I probably would have gotten an overall module average of over 90%. it wouldn't have actually meant anything except maybe beating this one girl to the prize for best undergraduate (and she deserved it!), but... idk. it would have been nice to feel, for once, like I was living up to my bastard fucking potential.
(a first-class degree is the best degree result you can get and you only need an average of over 70% for it, as the difficulty is tuned so that achieving this is quite hard.
my final average was 77%. by my fourth year my marks were high enough that I only had to pass my remaining modules (40%+) to still get a first, so that was all I did, because I was BURNED OUT.)
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@astronomerritt Right! How can it be laziness when I'm putting so much blood, sweat and tears into avoiding a task?
@davidr Or even worse: putting blood, sweat and tears into trying to get myself to do a task and failing anyway!
Bastard brain disorder.
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(a first-class degree is the best degree result you can get and you only need an average of over 70% for it, as the difficulty is tuned so that achieving this is quite hard.
my final average was 77%. by my fourth year my marks were high enough that I only had to pass my remaining modules (40%+) to still get a first, so that was all I did, because I was BURNED OUT.)
@astronomerritt ah fuck this is too relatable, I was doing well in a physics degree despite similar struggles but crashed out in fourth year. I still wonder what it would have been like if I had the support and medication I needed.
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@astronomerritt ah fuck this is too relatable, I was doing well in a physics degree despite similar struggles but crashed out in fourth year. I still wonder what it would have been like if I had the support and medication I needed.
@diffractie Oh I sympathise SO HARD, I am so, so sorry you didn't have the support you needed. I came extremely close to crashing out in fourth year myself and I think it was only luck that got me through. You deserved better.
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(a first-class degree is the best degree result you can get and you only need an average of over 70% for it, as the difficulty is tuned so that achieving this is quite hard.
my final average was 77%. by my fourth year my marks were high enough that I only had to pass my remaining modules (40%+) to still get a first, so that was all I did, because I was BURNED OUT.)
@astronomerritt Yeah, I know that feeling. It's like the brain transmission won't go into gear...
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@diffractie Oh I sympathise SO HARD, I am so, so sorry you didn't have the support you needed. I came extremely close to crashing out in fourth year myself and I think it was only luck that got me through. You deserved better.
@astronomerritt thank you
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@diffractie Oh I sympathise SO HARD, I am so, so sorry you didn't have the support you needed. I came extremely close to crashing out in fourth year myself and I think it was only luck that got me through. You deserved better.
@astronomerritt @diffractie I have a friend who had to resort to illegally obtained amphetamine for self-medication to complete and defend their thesis because medications are not legally available in their country.
I don't have personal experience with it but everyone I know with ADHD who managed to get the meds says they were life-changing. -
(a first-class degree is the best degree result you can get and you only need an average of over 70% for it, as the difficulty is tuned so that achieving this is quite hard.
my final average was 77%. by my fourth year my marks were high enough that I only had to pass my remaining modules (40%+) to still get a first, so that was all I did, because I was BURNED OUT.)
@astronomerritt This sounds familiar! I wasn't as good, and I scraped a 2:ii when I expected a third, but this was after starting off with everybody assuming I would sail through...
(and yes, I still somehow ended up as an academic 20 years later. That's a longer story involving a lot of (debatable) luck...)
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@astronomerritt ah fuck this is too relatable, I was doing well in a physics degree despite similar struggles but crashed out in fourth year. I still wonder what it would have been like if I had the support and medication I needed.
@diffractie
Haha, that sounds familiar
Got diagnosed way after failing at being scientist and several other things. The meds helped initially, but eventually did more harm than good. After all I came to the conclusion that I can't be bothered maintaining a system that was built to exclude me. And in true laziness, I finally figured out how to be happy.
Anyway...Don't feel bad for not meeting someone else's BS standards
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it wasn't until I started taking ADHD meds that I realised what laziness actually was.
laziness is when you know you're perfectly capable of doing a task but you can't be bothered!!
laziness is NOT "my entire brain starts up an agonising struggle process that causes tremendous anxiety and unhappiness the moment I even think about doing something that doesn't maintain a steady feed of dopamine"
@astronomerritt Yeah, this sounds *really* familiar.
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@astronomerritt Yeah, I know that feeling. It's like the brain transmission won't go into gear...
@MontgomeryGator Or like trying to drive with the handbrake on…
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@flyhigh Technically I don’t “need” to clean my bathroom, or do the laundry, but I could easily put them off, if I felt lazy.
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@astronomerritt This sounds familiar! I wasn't as good, and I scraped a 2:ii when I expected a third, but this was after starting off with everybody assuming I would sail through...
(and yes, I still somehow ended up as an academic 20 years later. That's a longer story involving a lot of (debatable) luck...)
@swaldman I was lucky too, except that my luck came in the form of being frankly unnecessarily clever
hence the first despite all the difficulties. But I also know the pressure of everyone expecting you to sail through… -
@diffractie
Haha, that sounds familiar Got diagnosed way after failing at being scientist and several other things. The meds helped initially, but eventually did more harm than good. After all I came to the conclusion that I can't be bothered maintaining a system that was built to exclude me. And in true laziness, I finally figured out how to be happy.
Anyway...Don't feel bad for not meeting someone else's BS standards
@iwein The meds definitely do harm and I don’t blame anyone for deciding they’re better off without them! Unfortunately, my ADHD is severe enough that without meds I don’t perform basic self-care like brushing my teeth, so even if the system collapsed tomorrow I’d still need them.
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@iwein The meds definitely do harm and I don’t blame anyone for deciding they’re better off without them! Unfortunately, my ADHD is severe enough that without meds I don’t perform basic self-care like brushing my teeth, so even if the system collapsed tomorrow I’d still need them.
@astronomerritt no judgement, just to be clear. Whatever works, eh?
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@astronomerritt no judgement, just to be clear. Whatever works, eh?
@iwein Same to you, very much so.
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the thing is, I did my entire undergrad degree in physics undiagnosed and unmedicated and I STILL got a first.
even though a lot of the time I'd sit down to revise (something I wanted and needed to do) and would just end up crying. for eight hours at a time, sometimes. sitting there. barely doing anything. even though I desperately wanted to. even though I liked the subjects. it was absolute misery. my partner will occasionally remind me of how much I was clearly suffering.
but I kept doing it anyway. day after day. putting myself through that ordeal.
and I thought that was laziness.
if I'd had meds for my undergrad degree I probably would have gotten an overall module average of over 90%. it wouldn't have actually meant anything except maybe beating this one girl to the prize for best undergraduate (and she deserved it!), but... idk. it would have been nice to feel, for once, like I was living up to my bastard fucking potential.
@astronomerritt for what little consolation it is, there are lots of folks who "never lived up to their potential". Again, for whatever it's worth, this essay about the "Brilliant Failure" [https://www.marktarver.com/bipolar.html] -- the author might have been looking over my shoulder when he wrote it.
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it wasn't until I started taking ADHD meds that I realised what laziness actually was.
laziness is when you know you're perfectly capable of doing a task but you can't be bothered!!
laziness is NOT "my entire brain starts up an agonising struggle process that causes tremendous anxiety and unhappiness the moment I even think about doing something that doesn't maintain a steady feed of dopamine"
@astronomerritt when you're so used to the struggle process that both of those are identical
couldn't be me -
(a first-class degree is the best degree result you can get and you only need an average of over 70% for it, as the difficulty is tuned so that achieving this is quite hard.
my final average was 77%. by my fourth year my marks were high enough that I only had to pass my remaining modules (40%+) to still get a first, so that was all I did, because I was BURNED OUT.)
... May I offer you a hug? Because this, all of this.
Got diagnosed just before my 30s, well the first diagnosis really.
Education and I never got along and to this day I still revolt against it whenever I have to. If I follow my own schedule and such, I'll be fine. But brrr.... The traumatic experience of the education system haunts me still.
And yet I work at an university (in IT of course). Go figure
