Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners?
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Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners?
I read some post about this during the last days and here are my thoughts on the topic.
The short answer is that it not because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we are a minority group, we are very different from each other and have limited options to find each other. These factors are strongly intertwined.
Yes, we are not perfect, unresolved trauma, masking and internalized ableism play a role and we all have to work on it. But at a certain point we cannot do this work on our own, we need other people to practice what we learned, to create new data for our nervous system and if we do not have these people, we are trapped in a vicious circle of burnout and loneliness.
This brings me to the second point, our limited options. Many of the autistic people around my age (I am in my 40s) who are similar to me, are probably also in a similar situation. They are either trapped in poverty or a relationship they don’t want to be in. They do not live, where they want to live, they are not able to travel or even leave the house for longer than an hour. Many of them don´t even know that they are autistic. So, there are limited options to meet each other. I go outside with Beagle Lumi every day, but in my conservative neighborhood, I won’t find my people. I can get along with them, but they are not my people.
And online? Dating apps are overwhelming asf and the autistic people similar to me will think that too, so I won’t find my people there. Realistically, I have the best chances to find my people here on Mastodon. But most of us have rejection sensitivity and are so burnt out, that reaching out to a new person is not an easy thing. We do not have the energy for it.
Then there are our differences. We experience the world intensively, we didn’t go to an autistic kindergarten, nobody explained to us how to cope with this world. As a consequence, we are not only very different concerning our needs and special interests, but we are also very different in our coping strategies.
During the last years I had several chats, friendships, even intimate relationships with other AuDHD people online. Most of them were not suitable for a long-term relationship, because of our differences or difficult circumstances and that’s ok. But they were enriching my life, they made me grow, they were inspiring and validating. Realizing that you are not a good fit can be hurtful and frustrating, getting to know new people takes a lot of energy and we are already low on energy. But it’s amazing how much energy connecting with another AuDHD person can give you, it made me and the people I connected with feel decades younger and so happy. I found the best friend one could wish for here on Mastodon.
So, I will continue to write these posts, encouraging people to chat with me and I do not feel ashamed for it. I am done with feeling shame for having to deal with being a multiply marginalized person in unconventional ways.
@KaCi @autistics my dear, my nephew deals with what you sound like with meeting someone and not living where he wants too. Scotty is a hard worker and a great person always willing to hug and smile despite. My cousin had that when we were kids only then they said he had " emotional troubles" he was like Rain man in many ways. Hang in there sweetie
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@KaCi @autistics my dear, my nephew deals with what you sound like with meeting someone and not living where he wants too. Scotty is a hard worker and a great person always willing to hug and smile despite. My cousin had that when we were kids only then they said he had " emotional troubles" he was like Rain man in many ways. Hang in there sweetie
@MJmusicinears Thank you for your kind words. I am also willing to hug and smile despite this situation. Often the kindest people are the ones who had the most difficult lives, because we understand that problems and crisis are not a personal failure and have a lot of empathy for others. And for me as an AuDHD person, the differences that make me struggle are also a source of so much joy. I wish you and your nephew all the best.
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Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners?
I read some post about this during the last days and here are my thoughts on the topic.
The short answer is that it not because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we are a minority group, we are very different from each other and have limited options to find each other. These factors are strongly intertwined.
Yes, we are not perfect, unresolved trauma, masking and internalized ableism play a role and we all have to work on it. But at a certain point we cannot do this work on our own, we need other people to practice what we learned, to create new data for our nervous system and if we do not have these people, we are trapped in a vicious circle of burnout and loneliness.
This brings me to the second point, our limited options. Many of the autistic people around my age (I am in my 40s) who are similar to me, are probably also in a similar situation. They are either trapped in poverty or a relationship they don’t want to be in. They do not live, where they want to live, they are not able to travel or even leave the house for longer than an hour. Many of them don´t even know that they are autistic. So, there are limited options to meet each other. I go outside with Beagle Lumi every day, but in my conservative neighborhood, I won’t find my people. I can get along with them, but they are not my people.
And online? Dating apps are overwhelming asf and the autistic people similar to me will think that too, so I won’t find my people there. Realistically, I have the best chances to find my people here on Mastodon. But most of us have rejection sensitivity and are so burnt out, that reaching out to a new person is not an easy thing. We do not have the energy for it.
Then there are our differences. We experience the world intensively, we didn’t go to an autistic kindergarten, nobody explained to us how to cope with this world. As a consequence, we are not only very different concerning our needs and special interests, but we are also very different in our coping strategies.
During the last years I had several chats, friendships, even intimate relationships with other AuDHD people online. Most of them were not suitable for a long-term relationship, because of our differences or difficult circumstances and that’s ok. But they were enriching my life, they made me grow, they were inspiring and validating. Realizing that you are not a good fit can be hurtful and frustrating, getting to know new people takes a lot of energy and we are already low on energy. But it’s amazing how much energy connecting with another AuDHD person can give you, it made me and the people I connected with feel decades younger and so happy. I found the best friend one could wish for here on Mastodon.
So, I will continue to write these posts, encouraging people to chat with me and I do not feel ashamed for it. I am done with feeling shame for having to deal with being a multiply marginalized person in unconventional ways.
@KaCi @autistics
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the majority sort are hypersocial and find it impossible not to friend up into pairs or groups, we’re not made for it, or at least we have a choice about it -
@roknrol I don't know, I mostly chat with people on Signal, it works best for me and many others. What do you mean with open accessibility?
@KaCi I probably misspoke myself; I was just thinking a semi-private place for a group chat (more secure than Masto, but not like, "invite only") might help people connect.
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@KaCi I probably misspoke myself; I was just thinking a semi-private place for a group chat (more secure than Masto, but not like, "invite only") might help people connect.
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@KaCi I probably misspoke myself; I was just thinking a semi-private place for a group chat (more secure than Masto, but not like, "invite only") might help people connect.
@roknrol
@undefined_variable
The group aspect is already difficult for me and one of the many reasons why I am not on discord anymore. I already feel like a socializing hero, when I write “happy birthday” to someone on Mastodon or interact in a comment section here. I am extremely monotropic and I feel most comfortable in 1:1 interactions. That also allows getting to know people on a deeper level. -
@roknrol
@undefined_variable
The group aspect is already difficult for me and one of the many reasons why I am not on discord anymore. I already feel like a socializing hero, when I write “happy birthday” to someone on Mastodon or interact in a comment section here. I am extremely monotropic and I feel most comfortable in 1:1 interactions. That also allows getting to know people on a deeper level.@KaCi @undefined_variable Ah, I misunderstood then - sorry to distract
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@undefined_variable @roknrol @KaCi There's also Matrix. It pretty much works like Discord, but is open source and federated like Fedi.
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@KaCi @undefined_variable Ah, I misunderstood then - sorry to distract
@roknrol
No problem. That's still an interesting topic for me and others.
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Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners?
I read some post about this during the last days and here are my thoughts on the topic.
The short answer is that it not because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we are a minority group, we are very different from each other and have limited options to find each other. These factors are strongly intertwined.
Yes, we are not perfect, unresolved trauma, masking and internalized ableism play a role and we all have to work on it. But at a certain point we cannot do this work on our own, we need other people to practice what we learned, to create new data for our nervous system and if we do not have these people, we are trapped in a vicious circle of burnout and loneliness.
This brings me to the second point, our limited options. Many of the autistic people around my age (I am in my 40s) who are similar to me, are probably also in a similar situation. They are either trapped in poverty or a relationship they don’t want to be in. They do not live, where they want to live, they are not able to travel or even leave the house for longer than an hour. Many of them don´t even know that they are autistic. So, there are limited options to meet each other. I go outside with Beagle Lumi every day, but in my conservative neighborhood, I won’t find my people. I can get along with them, but they are not my people.
And online? Dating apps are overwhelming asf and the autistic people similar to me will think that too, so I won’t find my people there. Realistically, I have the best chances to find my people here on Mastodon. But most of us have rejection sensitivity and are so burnt out, that reaching out to a new person is not an easy thing. We do not have the energy for it.
Then there are our differences. We experience the world intensively, we didn’t go to an autistic kindergarten, nobody explained to us how to cope with this world. As a consequence, we are not only very different concerning our needs and special interests, but we are also very different in our coping strategies.
During the last years I had several chats, friendships, even intimate relationships with other AuDHD people online. Most of them were not suitable for a long-term relationship, because of our differences or difficult circumstances and that’s ok. But they were enriching my life, they made me grow, they were inspiring and validating. Realizing that you are not a good fit can be hurtful and frustrating, getting to know new people takes a lot of energy and we are already low on energy. But it’s amazing how much energy connecting with another AuDHD person can give you, it made me and the people I connected with feel decades younger and so happy. I found the best friend one could wish for here on Mastodon.
So, I will continue to write these posts, encouraging people to chat with me and I do not feel ashamed for it. I am done with feeling shame for having to deal with being a multiply marginalized person in unconventional ways.
@KaCi @autistics Thank you for writing this. It's so true and so relatable.
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@KaCi @autistics Thank you for writing this. It's so true and so relatable.
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Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners?
I read some post about this during the last days and here are my thoughts on the topic.
The short answer is that it not because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we are a minority group, we are very different from each other and have limited options to find each other. These factors are strongly intertwined.
Yes, we are not perfect, unresolved trauma, masking and internalized ableism play a role and we all have to work on it. But at a certain point we cannot do this work on our own, we need other people to practice what we learned, to create new data for our nervous system and if we do not have these people, we are trapped in a vicious circle of burnout and loneliness.
This brings me to the second point, our limited options. Many of the autistic people around my age (I am in my 40s) who are similar to me, are probably also in a similar situation. They are either trapped in poverty or a relationship they don’t want to be in. They do not live, where they want to live, they are not able to travel or even leave the house for longer than an hour. Many of them don´t even know that they are autistic. So, there are limited options to meet each other. I go outside with Beagle Lumi every day, but in my conservative neighborhood, I won’t find my people. I can get along with them, but they are not my people.
And online? Dating apps are overwhelming asf and the autistic people similar to me will think that too, so I won’t find my people there. Realistically, I have the best chances to find my people here on Mastodon. But most of us have rejection sensitivity and are so burnt out, that reaching out to a new person is not an easy thing. We do not have the energy for it.
Then there are our differences. We experience the world intensively, we didn’t go to an autistic kindergarten, nobody explained to us how to cope with this world. As a consequence, we are not only very different concerning our needs and special interests, but we are also very different in our coping strategies.
During the last years I had several chats, friendships, even intimate relationships with other AuDHD people online. Most of them were not suitable for a long-term relationship, because of our differences or difficult circumstances and that’s ok. But they were enriching my life, they made me grow, they were inspiring and validating. Realizing that you are not a good fit can be hurtful and frustrating, getting to know new people takes a lot of energy and we are already low on energy. But it’s amazing how much energy connecting with another AuDHD person can give you, it made me and the people I connected with feel decades younger and so happy. I found the best friend one could wish for here on Mastodon.
So, I will continue to write these posts, encouraging people to chat with me and I do not feel ashamed for it. I am done with feeling shame for having to deal with being a multiply marginalized person in unconventional ways.
@KaCi @autistics
Our pool is very small. I am 40 myself and it took me years to realize that i can only have autistic/audhd friends. It just don't works with other people at all. Same works with relationships. If we have a similiar Topic to monofocus on, its a deal. Everything else just ends in me Maskind extremly hard to be accepted and failing.In the past i thought i just have to play pretend to work better with other people which leads to not working at all.
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@KaCi @autistics
Our pool is very small. I am 40 myself and it took me years to realize that i can only have autistic/audhd friends. It just don't works with other people at all. Same works with relationships. If we have a similiar Topic to monofocus on, its a deal. Everything else just ends in me Maskind extremly hard to be accepted and failing.In the past i thought i just have to play pretend to work better with other people which leads to not working at all.
And that is something to wrap my head around. Becuse i learned to adapt, to mask in my childhood. And it is very hard to break those things in my head that did not work out for me.
And then i met some people who are just as strange as i feel every day and suddenly we can talk for hours. We have fun together. We feel great together. And still there are so many neurotypical standards to throw over board.
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Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners?
I read some post about this during the last days and here are my thoughts on the topic.
The short answer is that it not because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we are a minority group, we are very different from each other and have limited options to find each other. These factors are strongly intertwined.
Yes, we are not perfect, unresolved trauma, masking and internalized ableism play a role and we all have to work on it. But at a certain point we cannot do this work on our own, we need other people to practice what we learned, to create new data for our nervous system and if we do not have these people, we are trapped in a vicious circle of burnout and loneliness.
This brings me to the second point, our limited options. Many of the autistic people around my age (I am in my 40s) who are similar to me, are probably also in a similar situation. They are either trapped in poverty or a relationship they don’t want to be in. They do not live, where they want to live, they are not able to travel or even leave the house for longer than an hour. Many of them don´t even know that they are autistic. So, there are limited options to meet each other. I go outside with Beagle Lumi every day, but in my conservative neighborhood, I won’t find my people. I can get along with them, but they are not my people.
And online? Dating apps are overwhelming asf and the autistic people similar to me will think that too, so I won’t find my people there. Realistically, I have the best chances to find my people here on Mastodon. But most of us have rejection sensitivity and are so burnt out, that reaching out to a new person is not an easy thing. We do not have the energy for it.
Then there are our differences. We experience the world intensively, we didn’t go to an autistic kindergarten, nobody explained to us how to cope with this world. As a consequence, we are not only very different concerning our needs and special interests, but we are also very different in our coping strategies.
During the last years I had several chats, friendships, even intimate relationships with other AuDHD people online. Most of them were not suitable for a long-term relationship, because of our differences or difficult circumstances and that’s ok. But they were enriching my life, they made me grow, they were inspiring and validating. Realizing that you are not a good fit can be hurtful and frustrating, getting to know new people takes a lot of energy and we are already low on energy. But it’s amazing how much energy connecting with another AuDHD person can give you, it made me and the people I connected with feel decades younger and so happy. I found the best friend one could wish for here on Mastodon.
So, I will continue to write these posts, encouraging people to chat with me and I do not feel ashamed for it. I am done with feeling shame for having to deal with being a multiply marginalized person in unconventional ways.
@KaCi @autistics I really struggle with approaching people. When people have approached me, it generally goes well. But even when I muster up the courage to reach out to someone else, they just don't respond in a way that lets me believe they are interested in connecting. So I can put a lot of effort into people who don't seem inclined to reciprocate, or I can have nothing.
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R relay@relay.mycrowd.ca shared this topic
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Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners?
I read some post about this during the last days and here are my thoughts on the topic.
The short answer is that it not because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we are a minority group, we are very different from each other and have limited options to find each other. These factors are strongly intertwined.
Yes, we are not perfect, unresolved trauma, masking and internalized ableism play a role and we all have to work on it. But at a certain point we cannot do this work on our own, we need other people to practice what we learned, to create new data for our nervous system and if we do not have these people, we are trapped in a vicious circle of burnout and loneliness.
This brings me to the second point, our limited options. Many of the autistic people around my age (I am in my 40s) who are similar to me, are probably also in a similar situation. They are either trapped in poverty or a relationship they don’t want to be in. They do not live, where they want to live, they are not able to travel or even leave the house for longer than an hour. Many of them don´t even know that they are autistic. So, there are limited options to meet each other. I go outside with Beagle Lumi every day, but in my conservative neighborhood, I won’t find my people. I can get along with them, but they are not my people.
And online? Dating apps are overwhelming asf and the autistic people similar to me will think that too, so I won’t find my people there. Realistically, I have the best chances to find my people here on Mastodon. But most of us have rejection sensitivity and are so burnt out, that reaching out to a new person is not an easy thing. We do not have the energy for it.
Then there are our differences. We experience the world intensively, we didn’t go to an autistic kindergarten, nobody explained to us how to cope with this world. As a consequence, we are not only very different concerning our needs and special interests, but we are also very different in our coping strategies.
During the last years I had several chats, friendships, even intimate relationships with other AuDHD people online. Most of them were not suitable for a long-term relationship, because of our differences or difficult circumstances and that’s ok. But they were enriching my life, they made me grow, they were inspiring and validating. Realizing that you are not a good fit can be hurtful and frustrating, getting to know new people takes a lot of energy and we are already low on energy. But it’s amazing how much energy connecting with another AuDHD person can give you, it made me and the people I connected with feel decades younger and so happy. I found the best friend one could wish for here on Mastodon.
So, I will continue to write these posts, encouraging people to chat with me and I do not feel ashamed for it. I am done with feeling shame for having to deal with being a multiply marginalized person in unconventional ways.
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@iridella It depends on the right # and also on your location in the world / time zone as the community is international.
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@joshsummer I actually think I found my place on mastodon. I never met so many neurodivergent people in such a small area
