CIRCLE WITH A DOT

Made a collage of some of the hilarious and unkind things I've said about HMRC, but it was veering dangerously close to angry territory and ain't nobody need that in their lives. We have *quite* enough anger, thank you very much indeed! Instead - here is a video my friend just sent me about the amount of pasta she has, asking if it's normal. It is not normal. At all. She could feed half of Italy with that. Who has a pasta cupboard?

@scribblanitea

I actually do

Was going to do a bit where I change my name and picture to HMRC then just post awful things about them but I lost confidence in it before I even got going tbh. Anyway did you know they use Ai to scour social media to ensnare anyone trying to survive by doing a side hustle. I wish them all the very worst and hope something dreadful befalls them all. Not fatal. Just enough to show them some fucking empathy and the error of their ways. Perhaps their entire family being plunged into poverty for a decade or so might give their heads a bit of a wobble.

Trump is apparently mentioned a MILLION times in the Epstein files. A million. M I L L I O N. The files go back to 1996. 30 years. 33,333.33 times a year. Approximately 90 times every single day or 4 times every hour, without sleeping, for 30 years. It is a wonder anything else ever got done. It's no wonder he had him murdered (according to my mate Geoff down the pub who has nothing to do with me, I don't even have an opinion).

when I find myself in times of trouble, mother mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, turtle power

@davidbcohen @Nickiquote

Many people are saying that actually I'm much better

@Nickiquote @dropbear

VERY good

@Nickiquote

She out there really wuthering them heights, huh?

@Nickiquote

Lol. Once again I find myself wondering if I'm wired different to other men because I would never even consider this as an option. There seems to be so many stories of men caught wanking in unexpected situations. Like..... atop a speeding vehicle or..... on safari. Or during a karate tournament. Just do it more normally, men! Not everything has to be a fuckn competition. Oh you did it up the Eiffel Tower? Or during a blizzard? Well done. You get an award for best wanker. We never see stories for extreme wanks by women. I fear I'm getting into territory I'm not totally comfortable in now and feel I'm painting myself into a corner and that I've talked about wanking too much. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. NO MORE WANKING CHAT. LET'S ALL JUST PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN AND GO BACK TO OUR LIVES.

@Nickiquote

Sometimes I just type and I don't know what's going to come out. I am as surprised as anyone.

@Nickiquote

This cannot be true. What a bizarre sequence of events. He's a true redemption story. Bigger than Anakin/Vader. Let's get a new Star Wars done but about Dirty Den. We're gonna need an actor to play him. Now I know what you're thinking, but I feel like Dirty Ben might hurt my brand and I'm not keen on the finger in mouth wanking scene. The next most logical choice of course is Olly Murs. Let's get him locked in. We're gonna be rich! Grantham in Space. It's gonna be the feel-good hit of the summer.

@Nickiquote

Oh did he? I take it back then. That is a bit steep even for nowadays. At least for an actor. He could still be a billionaire or president of the world or whatever.

Fun tip! Any coffee can be an ice coffee if you forget to drink your coffee and it is very cold in your house.

@Nickiquote

Strange to think that his fall from grace - having a consensual wank on a Zoom - would barely have even registered these days. Oh he's done a video wank? So what. Haven't we all? I'm doing one now in my meeting about budget forecasts. So is the FD. Why, sometimes I've done as many as six video conference wanks before breakfast. Bring back Dirty Den, I say. All is forgiven. We no longer kink shame. And anyway it turns out there are a bunch of guys who have been upto much much worse the whole time and we put them in government, so you can carry on doing your acting or whatnot. It's like my old grandpappy used to say - a finger in the mouth is better than an island full of children.

@Nickiquote

'You may remember him as Dirty Den from Eastenders, but you'll never believe what Leslie Grantham looks like now!'

@Nickiquote

He is a master of disguise

If anyone's after some tips on how to stop using Discord, I found that simply not using it because I didn't understand it really helped.

It's understandable to post about your frustration with the Discord news. For now is the winter of our Discord vent.

I know alpha male types like to parade around how much they like eating meat and how it makes them manly and they'd probably be a warrior hunter in the wild if it weren't for the convenience of Tesco chicken nuggets. Well I'm no exception and this is a warning to all salads out there - you just better watch yourselves. Because I'm coming for you. And I will bloody well wash you and eat you with gusto and also aplomb if I knew what that meant. Tomatoes! You are not safe. Cucumbers! Kiss your kids (gherkins) goodbye. Avocado! You'd *better* be the perfect consistency or otherwise you'll be going in the fruit bowl next to the bananas for a day or two. They call me the Salad Man. Because I'm difficult to define and am better in the summer.

Kid Rock was the alternate name for Epstein Island