CIRCLE WITH A DOT

Lab-grown mayonnaise

I would like to announce I have sued The Atlantic for their scurrilous claims about me tooting while being under the influence of a particularly delicious serving of enchiladas.

More drugs, please.

Days like this remind me I'm doing something right and shouldn't be such a miserable bastard.

Listen, I find my posts as confusing as you do.

I was convinced that I'd have met more interesting characters in dark alleys by now.

Welp, Oasis made into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, so I guess we need to burn that fucker down now.

I wonder if Jesus guessed the disciples shoe sizes and bought them all sandals that were too big.

@slop
Let's make it four.

I get Jesus and doctors confused all the time. Totally understandable.

They keep using this word "negotiation". I do not think it means what they think it means.

Whoa, what are those? 30" rims? You're a real size queen, aren't ya?

Gonna start calling guys that like big trucks "size queens".

*looks at price of thousand island dressing* OK, where's the fifty island dressing?

My kid: It's going to be in the 80s next week.

Me: Oh yah? That sounds nice.

Kid: That means we don't need to wear our bike helmets and we can drink from the hose.

Me: What? No.

Am I going to understand 7UP if I haven't had 1 thru 6s UP?

I too am banned from entry to the UK, but it's because of some unseemly acts involving HP Sauce and the ensuing scurrilous press coverage.

The space toilet has comparable uptime to a McFlurry machine.

SPACE TOILET IS NO-GO!

Say "albedo" one more goddamn time!