At a social event last weekend, I was aggressively singled out and degendered by another member of the trans community for hours.
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I hadn't said anything until now because I didn't--I don't--want to put this person on blast. They're secondary to the point.
But it's left me feeling deeply unsafe in the wake of it all, and quite a lot like a counterfeit woman.
I've been quietly scuttling plans since it happened.
We Protect Us is a basic commitment to watching out for and respecting the fellow members of our community, because very literally nobody else will. It's what makes us safe in community, and what makes mixed spaces navigable.
We Protect Us.
Until we don't.
When this person degendered me over and over and over again, picking me out of a mixed crowd and pointing at me, they were singling me out as Other, Different. Making damn sure everyone there knew I was trans, and marking me as not-really-a-woman.
They painted a target on my back. Served me up.
I'd come out earlier that night, *before everyone had arrived*. It seemed safe then. I was less sure when things really kicked off. But even if I had, constantly reminding the room of my second-class womanhood, allowed only on sufferance, could've easily changed that.
Small acts often have outsized consequences.
What if someone there had been a virulent transphobe? What if they'd waited for me in the darkened parking lot?
We Protect Us is a commitment.
And I expected better of my community.
@Impossible_PhD putting it bluntly
Fuck that person
They're a complete asshole and it's not okay
We here support you and hopefully can push this kind of thing out of our community
I hope you're doing better soon
️ -
I hadn't said anything until now because I didn't--I don't--want to put this person on blast. They're secondary to the point.
But it's left me feeling deeply unsafe in the wake of it all, and quite a lot like a counterfeit woman.
I've been quietly scuttling plans since it happened.
We Protect Us is a basic commitment to watching out for and respecting the fellow members of our community, because very literally nobody else will. It's what makes us safe in community, and what makes mixed spaces navigable.
We Protect Us.
Until we don't.
When this person degendered me over and over and over again, picking me out of a mixed crowd and pointing at me, they were singling me out as Other, Different. Making damn sure everyone there knew I was trans, and marking me as not-really-a-woman.
They painted a target on my back. Served me up.
I'd come out earlier that night, *before everyone had arrived*. It seemed safe then. I was less sure when things really kicked off. But even if I had, constantly reminding the room of my second-class womanhood, allowed only on sufferance, could've easily changed that.
Small acts often have outsized consequences.
What if someone there had been a virulent transphobe? What if they'd waited for me in the darkened parking lot?
We Protect Us is a commitment.
And I expected better of my community.
To a very lesser degree - I have been having to teach people how to better navigate and introduce others in my day-to-day, and it is at times confusing and others a bit exhausting.
And in a way _I get it_, in the sense of only really crashing my own way through it all in the last few years, but also some simple substitution would highlight how not cool it is too.
-
I hadn't said anything until now because I didn't--I don't--want to put this person on blast. They're secondary to the point.
But it's left me feeling deeply unsafe in the wake of it all, and quite a lot like a counterfeit woman.
I've been quietly scuttling plans since it happened.
We Protect Us is a basic commitment to watching out for and respecting the fellow members of our community, because very literally nobody else will. It's what makes us safe in community, and what makes mixed spaces navigable.
We Protect Us.
Until we don't.
When this person degendered me over and over and over again, picking me out of a mixed crowd and pointing at me, they were singling me out as Other, Different. Making damn sure everyone there knew I was trans, and marking me as not-really-a-woman.
They painted a target on my back. Served me up.
I'd come out earlier that night, *before everyone had arrived*. It seemed safe then. I was less sure when things really kicked off. But even if I had, constantly reminding the room of my second-class womanhood, allowed only on sufferance, could've easily changed that.
Small acts often have outsized consequences.
What if someone there had been a virulent transphobe? What if they'd waited for me in the darkened parking lot?
We Protect Us is a commitment.
And I expected better of my community.
@Impossible_PhD I'm really sorry you were put in that position and how you were made to feel because of this person 🫂
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To a very lesser degree - I have been having to teach people how to better navigate and introduce others in my day-to-day, and it is at times confusing and others a bit exhausting.
And in a way _I get it_, in the sense of only really crashing my own way through it all in the last few years, but also some simple substitution would highlight how not cool it is too.
@dannii_montanii Hard to make people care about stuff they have a vested interest in not caring about, right?
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@dannii_montanii Hard to make people care about stuff they have a vested interest in not caring about, right?
@Impossible_PhD sadly that is true
I do try to remind myself "those that matter, don't mind. And those that mind, don't matter"
I am unsure where I picked it up from, but it helps me try reframe my efforts and center myself to those that do have the vested interest.
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@Impossible_PhD sadly that is true
I do try to remind myself "those that matter, don't mind. And those that mind, don't matter"
I am unsure where I picked it up from, but it helps me try reframe my efforts and center myself to those that do have the vested interest.
@dannii_montanii problem is it's not true, or rather only true when passing randos on the street.
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At a social event last weekend, I was aggressively singled out and degendered by another member of the trans community for hours. No correction made a difference, and when I confronted them, they were all excuses and no accountability until they had no other choice.
We Protect Us
Until we don't.
@Impossible_PhD
That's awful!
if wanted. 
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@Impossible_PhD
That's awful! if wanted. -
I hadn't said anything until now because I didn't--I don't--want to put this person on blast. They're secondary to the point.
But it's left me feeling deeply unsafe in the wake of it all, and quite a lot like a counterfeit woman.
I've been quietly scuttling plans since it happened.
We Protect Us is a basic commitment to watching out for and respecting the fellow members of our community, because very literally nobody else will. It's what makes us safe in community, and what makes mixed spaces navigable.
We Protect Us.
Until we don't.
When this person degendered me over and over and over again, picking me out of a mixed crowd and pointing at me, they were singling me out as Other, Different. Making damn sure everyone there knew I was trans, and marking me as not-really-a-woman.
They painted a target on my back. Served me up.
I'd come out earlier that night, *before everyone had arrived*. It seemed safe then. I was less sure when things really kicked off. But even if I had, constantly reminding the room of my second-class womanhood, allowed only on sufferance, could've easily changed that.
Small acts often have outsized consequences.
What if someone there had been a virulent transphobe? What if they'd waited for me in the darkened parking lot?
We Protect Us is a commitment.
And I expected better of my community.
@Impossible_PhD this feels so much worse coming from another trans person. We all need to be better
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At a social event last weekend, I was aggressively singled out and degendered by another member of the trans community for hours. No correction made a difference, and when I confronted them, they were all excuses and no accountability until they had no other choice.
We Protect Us
Until we don't.
-
@Impossible_PhD this feels so much worse coming from another trans person. We all need to be better
@ciara it was actually way worse than that, but
️ -
I hadn't said anything until now because I didn't--I don't--want to put this person on blast. They're secondary to the point.
But it's left me feeling deeply unsafe in the wake of it all, and quite a lot like a counterfeit woman.
I've been quietly scuttling plans since it happened.
We Protect Us is a basic commitment to watching out for and respecting the fellow members of our community, because very literally nobody else will. It's what makes us safe in community, and what makes mixed spaces navigable.
We Protect Us.
Until we don't.
When this person degendered me over and over and over again, picking me out of a mixed crowd and pointing at me, they were singling me out as Other, Different. Making damn sure everyone there knew I was trans, and marking me as not-really-a-woman.
They painted a target on my back. Served me up.
I'd come out earlier that night, *before everyone had arrived*. It seemed safe then. I was less sure when things really kicked off. But even if I had, constantly reminding the room of my second-class womanhood, allowed only on sufferance, could've easily changed that.
Small acts often have outsized consequences.
What if someone there had been a virulent transphobe? What if they'd waited for me in the darkened parking lot?
We Protect Us is a commitment.
And I expected better of my community.
Oh, D!!
You *should* be able to expect more of your community!!(You should be able to expect more of people in general
, but especially from someone who *knows*? YES.)To do this once could be an accident, a misunderstanding, or even an error in judgment. Very uncomfortable, but forgivable.
To do so over and over is a *choice*, and this person is absolutely not safe to be around, ever, by anyone. Whatever your secret, whatever your insecurity, however small, serious, or in between, they have proven they will rip the lid off and expose it to the world.
I have no idea why this person thought this was appropriate. I don't know if anyone defended you (even 'Yo, Dude, not cool' to 'Yo, Dude - SHUT UP'), but I am so sorry and *horrified* this happened to you.
I want to be so angry on your behalf, but I am not sure that would be helpful here.
I *can* say - I am so sorry that happened. It was absolutely wrong on so many levels. I am SO sorry you felt unsafe. I am so sorry you still do. I am so sorry that person wasn't kicked to the curb the first time it happened - THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
One way or another, you support & protect the community every day - with advice, with information, with *joy* - and I hope since that event, people are reaching out to support and protect you and your poor wee battered brain right now.
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@ciara it was actually way worse than that, but
️@Impossible_PhD honestly it sickens me how badly you were treated by this person. Hugs offered if wanted
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Oh, D!!
You *should* be able to expect more of your community!!(You should be able to expect more of people in general
, but especially from someone who *knows*? YES.)To do this once could be an accident, a misunderstanding, or even an error in judgment. Very uncomfortable, but forgivable.
To do so over and over is a *choice*, and this person is absolutely not safe to be around, ever, by anyone. Whatever your secret, whatever your insecurity, however small, serious, or in between, they have proven they will rip the lid off and expose it to the world.
I have no idea why this person thought this was appropriate. I don't know if anyone defended you (even 'Yo, Dude, not cool' to 'Yo, Dude - SHUT UP'), but I am so sorry and *horrified* this happened to you.
I want to be so angry on your behalf, but I am not sure that would be helpful here.
I *can* say - I am so sorry that happened. It was absolutely wrong on so many levels. I am SO sorry you felt unsafe. I am so sorry you still do. I am so sorry that person wasn't kicked to the curb the first time it happened - THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
One way or another, you support & protect the community every day - with advice, with information, with *joy* - and I hope since that event, people are reaching out to support and protect you and your poor wee battered brain right now.
@Her_Doing Nobody stood up for me except me.
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@Impossible_PhD honestly it sickens me how badly you were treated by this person. Hugs offered if wanted
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@dannii_montanii problem is it's not true, or rather only true when passing randos on the street.
@Impossible_PhD I realised I may have mixed up meaning with it, as it's rarely if ever so clean cut.
What I mean is I try to ensure I give my energy to those that want to help and change - strangers or relatives.
People are fallible, and we all make mistakes - but if we don't learn from them, especially when pointed out by others, then we are choosing to be ignorant or worse. These are the ones in the latter category.
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@Impossible_PhD I realised I may have mixed up meaning with it, as it's rarely if ever so clean cut.
What I mean is I try to ensure I give my energy to those that want to help and change - strangers or relatives.
People are fallible, and we all make mistakes - but if we don't learn from them, especially when pointed out by others, then we are choosing to be ignorant or worse. These are the ones in the latter category.
But the ones in the middle, that gray area, they are the ones that can hurt or confuse the most.
This is where I try to remember that mantra, and try to let people show themselves. But it can also be the hardest, especially if they are people close to you in one way or another 🫂🫂
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But the ones in the middle, that gray area, they are the ones that can hurt or confuse the most.
This is where I try to remember that mantra, and try to let people show themselves. But it can also be the hardest, especially if they are people close to you in one way or another 🫂🫂
@dannii_montanii Fair. Very fair.
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@Her_Doing Nobody stood up for me except me.
Oh D ...
That is SO wrong. Betrayal not just by that person, but x # of people attending. (No, people might not have known you, but they could still speak up when someone was being a jerk to someone - anyone - else.)WELL DONE, YOU. WELL DONE, YOU for being blindsided and hurt and having enough in you to defend yourself. You are certainly allowed to feel wobbly after! But in the moment, YOU DID IT, and WELL DONE, YOU.
I wish I could give you a hug (if permitted!) - but I hope you are being hugged & petted & reassured by B & close friends.
FWIW, know you did change the narrative. The other person (repeatedly
) said something and you said NO. Whatever they or anyone else there said, didn't say, did, didn't do - you *did* change the narrative. You DID make a difference, and in ways you may never know.
This is not to say in any way that this wasn't a terrible and completely unnecessary experience!!
Just two tiny silver linings - you DID have it in you to stand up for yourself, and in doing so, you DID make a difference. 🤍
-
I hadn't said anything until now because I didn't--I don't--want to put this person on blast. They're secondary to the point.
But it's left me feeling deeply unsafe in the wake of it all, and quite a lot like a counterfeit woman.
I've been quietly scuttling plans since it happened.
We Protect Us is a basic commitment to watching out for and respecting the fellow members of our community, because very literally nobody else will. It's what makes us safe in community, and what makes mixed spaces navigable.
We Protect Us.
Until we don't.
When this person degendered me over and over and over again, picking me out of a mixed crowd and pointing at me, they were singling me out as Other, Different. Making damn sure everyone there knew I was trans, and marking me as not-really-a-woman.
They painted a target on my back. Served me up.
I'd come out earlier that night, *before everyone had arrived*. It seemed safe then. I was less sure when things really kicked off. But even if I had, constantly reminding the room of my second-class womanhood, allowed only on sufferance, could've easily changed that.
Small acts often have outsized consequences.
What if someone there had been a virulent transphobe? What if they'd waited for me in the darkened parking lot?
We Protect Us is a commitment.
And I expected better of my community.
