I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question.
-
I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question. Poll time!
So, I decided a year or two ago that I was probably asexual, based on the evidence I had at the time. Since then, it's become clearer that this is the case.
However, this has not done anything particularly good for me, aside from giving me information to pass to any theoretical new relationship partners. I feel worse about myself, I think because I'm no longer getting the flirty interaction I was enjoying, even if sex was never the object. Like, everyone heard me talking about being ace and decided, probably out of respect for me, to knock off the flirting. No flirting means no deeper relationships, or so it seems, as most of my trans femme friends are somewhere between very and deeply sexual, so it feels like there's this invisible barrier between us.
That got me to wondering, do my ace friends feel similarly? Obviously it is now poll time.
Ace friends, how does the fact of your aceness impact your life? How do you feel about it? (I realize this is a very simple poll and cannot possibly encompass how you feel; I'm just looking for big trends, please comment for more nuance.)
@taedryn so, I had trouble deciding between "brings me peace" and "celebrating it" until settling on the brings me peace option.
It's interesting what you describe... My first encounter with ace people was in fedi, and... They all seemed so horny. The thought that any queer people would assume no interest in flirting from you being ace is alien to me.
In fact... Realising and accepting my aceness is what allowed me to be flirty and (openly) enjoy kinky stuff in the first place!
-
I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question. Poll time!
So, I decided a year or two ago that I was probably asexual, based on the evidence I had at the time. Since then, it's become clearer that this is the case.
However, this has not done anything particularly good for me, aside from giving me information to pass to any theoretical new relationship partners. I feel worse about myself, I think because I'm no longer getting the flirty interaction I was enjoying, even if sex was never the object. Like, everyone heard me talking about being ace and decided, probably out of respect for me, to knock off the flirting. No flirting means no deeper relationships, or so it seems, as most of my trans femme friends are somewhere between very and deeply sexual, so it feels like there's this invisible barrier between us.
That got me to wondering, do my ace friends feel similarly? Obviously it is now poll time.
Ace friends, how does the fact of your aceness impact your life? How do you feel about it? (I realize this is a very simple poll and cannot possibly encompass how you feel; I'm just looking for big trends, please comment for more nuance.)
I chose "I'm still figuring it out" because I am¹, but I do also feel kind of negative about it. Part of that stems from the fact that I do want sex, but I need it to be part of a relationship (not necessarily a capital R relationship, just some kind of connection), not just a random hookup, and I don't know how to build a relationship that includes that without expressing sexual attraction. In the past, I expressed attraction because that was how I labelled my feelings and desires, but now, that feels like it would be a lie.
¹ And possibly focusing too much on microlabels. Demisexual? Reciprosexual? Cupiosexual?
-
@taedryn so, I had trouble deciding between "brings me peace" and "celebrating it" until settling on the brings me peace option.
It's interesting what you describe... My first encounter with ace people was in fedi, and... They all seemed so horny. The thought that any queer people would assume no interest in flirting from you being ace is alien to me.
In fact... Realising and accepting my aceness is what allowed me to be flirty and (openly) enjoy kinky stuff in the first place!
@caraplayingstuff Well, I suppose correlation is not causation. It could be they dropped away for other reasons that just happened to coincide with my exploring my aceness more vocally.
I suspect that one of my problems may also be that I'm letting the label define me instead of the other way around, which is something I'm prone to if I'm not careful.
-
I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question. Poll time!
So, I decided a year or two ago that I was probably asexual, based on the evidence I had at the time. Since then, it's become clearer that this is the case.
However, this has not done anything particularly good for me, aside from giving me information to pass to any theoretical new relationship partners. I feel worse about myself, I think because I'm no longer getting the flirty interaction I was enjoying, even if sex was never the object. Like, everyone heard me talking about being ace and decided, probably out of respect for me, to knock off the flirting. No flirting means no deeper relationships, or so it seems, as most of my trans femme friends are somewhere between very and deeply sexual, so it feels like there's this invisible barrier between us.
That got me to wondering, do my ace friends feel similarly? Obviously it is now poll time.
Ace friends, how does the fact of your aceness impact your life? How do you feel about it? (I realize this is a very simple poll and cannot possibly encompass how you feel; I'm just looking for big trends, please comment for more nuance.)
@taedryn I chose 'at peace' cause it was a relief to realise I wasn't alone and it was valid not to crave sex or see it as a basic need. But...
I wonder if everyone clocked I was ace before I did, cause (unless I'm completely oblivious, which is possible!), I rarely got flirted with anyway. Eg I'd go out with my then female-presenting friend and fae'd get attention from more than one guy, and I'd just be the politely-acknowledged sidekick (I'm in a relationship, but they didn't know that!). 1/2
-
@taedryn I chose 'at peace' cause it was a relief to realise I wasn't alone and it was valid not to crave sex or see it as a basic need. But...
I wonder if everyone clocked I was ace before I did, cause (unless I'm completely oblivious, which is possible!), I rarely got flirted with anyway. Eg I'd go out with my then female-presenting friend and fae'd get attention from more than one guy, and I'd just be the politely-acknowledged sidekick (I'm in a relationship, but they didn't know that!). 1/2
@taedryn 2/2 Either that or it's something about my face/how I interact, like some friends I've known for years will be like 'omg' if I come out with an innuendo or something, like I've unintentionally cultivated this wholesome, innocent image (maybe because I look younger than I am (which could be down to autism) and am very quiet), and I they would still have that impression even if I was super horny inside, idk.
-
@taedryn
I … have a lot of thoughts on this so it goes on for a while. It's been on my mind a fair bit for a while now.My frustration stems from the pre-existing issue of feeling like I'm not human (I suspect some level of AuDHD pushing this). Like I'm an alien or planar other watching all this happen around me. Kind of like a yokai, an entity that is human compatible. If we take the stories as a form of truth, yokai are compatible with humans up to and including having progeny.
So like … I see my friends who say they're Ace and they will frequently make statements that makes it sound like they're well on the road to "horny jail", and I still haven't even set foot on the path. Which isn't bad … just feels … "other-ing".
I saw a post on bsky of someone talking about the sterm and drong about the sex in "Heated Rivalry", and how people that don't see how sex advances a plot just don't understand. They went on to say that if you haven't had sex that makes your re-evaluate yourself, the world, and the way you relate to your partner, you're missing out, and they're sorry for us.
This left me feeling angry and kicked out of the population. Why do you fell sorry for me?! This thing you describe, I will _never_ experience it. My brain doesn't work that way. I have no significance tied to sex. I have a body it has physical responses, there's plenty of fun to be had, BUT that's kinda it. It doesn't do extra things for me or to me.
I donno if I'm expressing this well … it's just … strange to live in a world and culture where it's not just "sex" but it **SEX** and I'm the outcast because I can't experience that.
So I guess in summary, I don't feel negative about being ace, in myself. I fell negative about it in light of a culture that is drenched in sex. Because they can't or won't see how it does/doesn't touch me in the same way. And really it's feeling like rejection from my peers and culture that I am negative about.
@cali @taedryn yes, this. I had a (bad) therapist who was like 'omg you're missing out on this amazing experience, you should try to get in (quite literal) touch with that side of yourself!' but if I only listened to myself, it didn't feel like I was missing out on anything, it was actually people like her who pushed me into feeling bad about it and like I was defective?!
-
I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question. Poll time!
So, I decided a year or two ago that I was probably asexual, based on the evidence I had at the time. Since then, it's become clearer that this is the case.
However, this has not done anything particularly good for me, aside from giving me information to pass to any theoretical new relationship partners. I feel worse about myself, I think because I'm no longer getting the flirty interaction I was enjoying, even if sex was never the object. Like, everyone heard me talking about being ace and decided, probably out of respect for me, to knock off the flirting. No flirting means no deeper relationships, or so it seems, as most of my trans femme friends are somewhere between very and deeply sexual, so it feels like there's this invisible barrier between us.
That got me to wondering, do my ace friends feel similarly? Obviously it is now poll time.
Ace friends, how does the fact of your aceness impact your life? How do you feel about it? (I realize this is a very simple poll and cannot possibly encompass how you feel; I'm just looking for big trends, please comment for more nuance.)
@taedryn I choose "still figuring it out" but I'd say I am currently a bit torn.
Figuring out that I'm demi-gray explained so much and is a huge relieve and brought some peace, but it also feels a bit like I'm missing something. -
I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question. Poll time!
So, I decided a year or two ago that I was probably asexual, based on the evidence I had at the time. Since then, it's become clearer that this is the case.
However, this has not done anything particularly good for me, aside from giving me information to pass to any theoretical new relationship partners. I feel worse about myself, I think because I'm no longer getting the flirty interaction I was enjoying, even if sex was never the object. Like, everyone heard me talking about being ace and decided, probably out of respect for me, to knock off the flirting. No flirting means no deeper relationships, or so it seems, as most of my trans femme friends are somewhere between very and deeply sexual, so it feels like there's this invisible barrier between us.
That got me to wondering, do my ace friends feel similarly? Obviously it is now poll time.
Ace friends, how does the fact of your aceness impact your life? How do you feel about it? (I realize this is a very simple poll and cannot possibly encompass how you feel; I'm just looking for big trends, please comment for more nuance.)
@taedryn I thought about choosing the negative option, but eventually clicked other.
The negativity is because I'm ace but very much not aro, and I feel that a lot of the time, the two are treated as inherently tied to each other. And that feels othering.
But then, that's not the fault of being ace. That's the fault of society.
Also, the practical likelihood of me ever being in a relationship again is pretty much zero (for various reasons), so it's all hypothetical anyway, and probably not worth complaining about.
-
@cali @taedryn yes, this. I had a (bad) therapist who was like 'omg you're missing out on this amazing experience, you should try to get in (quite literal) touch with that side of yourself!' but if I only listened to myself, it didn't feel like I was missing out on anything, it was actually people like her who pushed me into feeling bad about it and like I was defective?!
@alicemcalicepants @cali Absolutely. Being ace is not being broken. That's one of the big positives I've gotten out of it, is finally understanding that I don't have to mask this thing where I just don't care much about sex. The validation that this is actually pretty common, and not a big deal, has been very helpful for me. I hope you are able to get the same benefit out of it.
-
I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question. Poll time!
So, I decided a year or two ago that I was probably asexual, based on the evidence I had at the time. Since then, it's become clearer that this is the case.
However, this has not done anything particularly good for me, aside from giving me information to pass to any theoretical new relationship partners. I feel worse about myself, I think because I'm no longer getting the flirty interaction I was enjoying, even if sex was never the object. Like, everyone heard me talking about being ace and decided, probably out of respect for me, to knock off the flirting. No flirting means no deeper relationships, or so it seems, as most of my trans femme friends are somewhere between very and deeply sexual, so it feels like there's this invisible barrier between us.
That got me to wondering, do my ace friends feel similarly? Obviously it is now poll time.
Ace friends, how does the fact of your aceness impact your life? How do you feel about it? (I realize this is a very simple poll and cannot possibly encompass how you feel; I'm just looking for big trends, please comment for more nuance.)
@taedryn
It's complicated. I try to avoid labels, but ...I'm in my 50s, but in my 20s there were any number of occasions where someone expected things that I hadn't quite cottoned on to being in play.
That's not to say I've never participated, nor even never participated willingly in sex, but more often than not there has been no interest on my part, and all together too often I've not realised that there was in theirs.
That said I'm an incredibly tactile person, I hug lampposts ffs. And that's been known to generate confusion, and perhaps even conflict. There us a certain level of human contact I enjoy, but I generally prefer it without the sex. I find that martial arts fit that well for me, I used to box, wrestle, and fence, but that people got weird about it if I said anything about preferring fighting to the other "f".
I'd dance, but my brain refuses to hold on to a single rhythm, which isn't really helpful with a cooperative partner.
I'm not really romantic, but, when the lines of communication are clear, the game, the to, and fro, the intellectual challenge of flirting, and finding the just the right thing to say can be fun. But I've not always noticed that the game is being played.
I don't really have any answers for you, but I think the key is to find people with whom you can clearly communicate so that you have shared boundaries, within which you can play. I find that shared intersects and activities help, but even so, mistakes can be made.
There will be folk to dance with, but it's really important to maintain the communication, so you keep sharing the understanding.
-
I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question. Poll time!
So, I decided a year or two ago that I was probably asexual, based on the evidence I had at the time. Since then, it's become clearer that this is the case.
However, this has not done anything particularly good for me, aside from giving me information to pass to any theoretical new relationship partners. I feel worse about myself, I think because I'm no longer getting the flirty interaction I was enjoying, even if sex was never the object. Like, everyone heard me talking about being ace and decided, probably out of respect for me, to knock off the flirting. No flirting means no deeper relationships, or so it seems, as most of my trans femme friends are somewhere between very and deeply sexual, so it feels like there's this invisible barrier between us.
That got me to wondering, do my ace friends feel similarly? Obviously it is now poll time.
Ace friends, how does the fact of your aceness impact your life? How do you feel about it? (I realize this is a very simple poll and cannot possibly encompass how you feel; I'm just looking for big trends, please comment for more nuance.)
Well.
It's had its positives and negatives. A lot of the negative is that I had so much disincentive to explore any sexuality I had, and I certainly didn't have any incentive, so I missed the experience of a lot of social cues and nuances. This has certainly resulted in misunderstandings over the years.
On the other hand, it's nice to not be led around by my chin-chin back in the old days, nor by my taco now. I have never quite understood why some people act with this.... well, drive, for lack of a better way of putting it.
I will say one thing that has helped a great deal: The best thing for me is to just be me, embrace my aceness. Okay, I'm ace. Others will occasionally do non-ace things. Cool on them for that. Trying to be something I'm not and can never be for them, even if it is to try to help them, just does not work.
-
Because of my personal history, I am a bit sensitive to some types of treatment, so I might need to think about the question some more. I think that using a label that people aren't sure about might lead them to pick what they feel are the "safest" options and they might not be correct.
I use the label for asexual. I don't experience sexual attraction, and what I mean by that is that I don't feel an active desire to have sex with anyone specifically. My general feeling about it is basically a shrug emoji. I tend to be ambivalent. I quickly become averse or repulsed under certain conditions. I don't think this is anything uncommon among other asexual folks I interact with. Like, given the choice between some sort of pleasant sexual encounter, and one of my freshly baked cookies, I know which one I'd go for, and it's not the sexual encounter.
I do sometimes feel conflicted about using the label, because some people have a tendency to make certain assumptions. The assumptions often make the label equivalent to "sex-repulsed", "celibate", "militantly celibate", "immature", "virgin", etc.
Reactions based on these assumptions vary significantly; from acting as if I just said I was "allo-lite" (invalidating) to completely muting any sexuality adjacent talk and excluding me from most discussions (alienating).
I've also had someone in the ace community be a bit invalidating because I'm not sex repulsed all the time like they were. While I know better now, it had a long lasting impact as it was early days for me. I've also had some people just straight up get angry and claim I was lying or making up a whole new sexuality (that was an abusive situation).
Understandably I'm a little wary about how people might react, but I don't let it stop me from being myself (anymore).
I think it's easier when people just ask what sort of stuff is okay and what isn't. Or simply ask for clarification if confused.
Like I get folks asking if it's okay to flirt and the answer is generally yes. I often clarify expectations with how I don't experience sexual or romantic attraction and I don't want to give the wrong impression. Sometimes this needs further clarification, but it opens up a discussion which is the helpful part.
Once while I was tying someone up for what is effectively a sort of talk sesh with rope involved, and they stopped at a part of their story and asked "Oh, is it okay if I talk about sex stuff as part of this story? I know you're ace and I'm not sure..." That was a great, explicit way to clarify something. I didn't think it was necessarily something ace-specific, but I still appreciated the ask rather than it being an assumption.
I will occasionally get weird looks if I'm talking about sexual topics,
"Aren't you ace?" (Could be snarky, could be genuinely confused - tone matters)
"I'm ace, not celibate..." (Elaboration varies based on tone)I've learned to reframe things and try explaining my boundaries if I feel like I just shutdown the room by acknowledging that I'm ace. Like this doesn't mean "stop flirting!" There's so many ways to flirt that are exclusive to ace dynamics, and it's a shame people are missing out.
It's not too difficult to talk me into bed for some cozy and warm snuggles. We can explore each other's bodies 🤭. And by that I mean counting freckles or sketching out an imaginary city or forest on some body part terrain. Fun, intimate, sensual activities that have no sexual undertones.
Back to the main question of how I feel about the impact of using the label.
I've identified as ace for a long time. I didn't use the label for a while after being treated like I was "making it up" or "appropriating the label" or the various other things from the early days. I have a whole essay about things that happened in between that and me finally adopting the label with renewed self-confidence. There's still carryover though. I avoid labeling myself when it's not necessary in IRL social situations. And when I feel comfortable I people aren't treating me too differently for being ace, I get the flip side of the feeling of "Do they secretly think I'm just misusing the label and rolling with it?" I know it's extremely unlikely to be the case, but it's anxiety (not rational).
As a result many social situations involve me balancing multiple "possible narratives" and trying to act like any of them can be true. This isn't great, but it doesn't happen all the time. I get to have a diverse set of meaningful and intimate relationships with folks and some of them I can feel comfortable being extra vulnerable knowing that they'll take what I'm saying at face value and not silently reinterpret it.
Hopefully that helps answer the question. I sort of rambled, and I don't know that it was very cohesive. I also had to resist the urge to layer in all the baggage that comes with the aro label as I feel that is out of scope.
@h3mmy That's a great answer, thank you. I don't think it's simple for anyone, given how society prioritizes and emphasizes sex in so many ways. I appreciate hearing some of your story behind it.
One thing I need to work on, which you have already done, is stepping back from using the label where it's going to be misinterpreted. I don't know how to do that yet, as most of my ace discussions are online, where it's all text, and I end up saying ace as a way to shortcut a lot of explanation, often to my detriment.
-
I was thinking about this last night, and realized I should actually ask the question. Poll time!
So, I decided a year or two ago that I was probably asexual, based on the evidence I had at the time. Since then, it's become clearer that this is the case.
However, this has not done anything particularly good for me, aside from giving me information to pass to any theoretical new relationship partners. I feel worse about myself, I think because I'm no longer getting the flirty interaction I was enjoying, even if sex was never the object. Like, everyone heard me talking about being ace and decided, probably out of respect for me, to knock off the flirting. No flirting means no deeper relationships, or so it seems, as most of my trans femme friends are somewhere between very and deeply sexual, so it feels like there's this invisible barrier between us.
That got me to wondering, do my ace friends feel similarly? Obviously it is now poll time.
Ace friends, how does the fact of your aceness impact your life? How do you feel about it? (I realize this is a very simple poll and cannot possibly encompass how you feel; I'm just looking for big trends, please comment for more nuance.)
@taedryn
On the one paw, having labels to put on being aro-ace¹ has been helpful to feel less alone and broken. That didn't change much else as people never seemed too interested in me (or was it the depression making me ignore it?²). If anything, more flirting has been hapening in the last ~6 months than in all my life prior to that
(although I'm bad at recognizing flirting so maybe there was more I didn't see as such?)On the other… I want sex but not with just anyone. There is currently one person I want to have sex with³, and there wasn't anybody for over 10 years before her. So, yeah, not getting what I want and it's frustrating x_x (feeling touch starved makes depression worse as well 🫠)
There are times I wish I weren't like that… I don't care if that means no longer wanting sex when I can't have any or if that means being fine with whoever, but one or other, please! >_<Also, possibly unrelated but, so far, I haven't enjoyed sex
Yes, I still want it (partly because I want to please my allo GF⁴, partly because my body asks for it, possibly also because of allonormativity), but it wasn't enjoyable for me with my ex and I don't know it would be any different with someone else (I'm hopeful, though).
Also also, I don't enjoy masturbation either. That's only required maintenance that doesn't give any pleasure⁵… there too, I wish I were different, either enjoying it or not feeling the need for it…
Maybe bottom surgery would help but I don't always want the same configuration… I need a customization menu to change at will!1: more like demi- for each (or something close, I'm not totally sure)
2: entirely possible as my ex took 3 days to convince me she was serious about wanting to date me after months of each being interested in the other.
3: in the freaking US, because I can't ever choose the easy path -_-
4: was my ex really allo? Was "she" even really my GF? 🤭 (I won't be surprised in the least if I get a trans CO message some day :') (we still text a couple times a year))
5: could even be painful some times… don't think it has happened much after starting HRT, though
