Relationships are so hard.

[human_shaped_creature@brain.worm.pink]

Relationships are so hard. Not even just romantic but platonic as well- I feel this urge to do everything I can to make people stay because I am absolutely terrified of everyone in my life leaving me since it's a pretty common theme for me. I mean there have been so many people that I have loved and cared for deeply and I did everything in my power for them to realize just how much I really care about them and then whoosh there they go. I can fully understand that I come on very strong and I'm ridiculously sensitive and anxiety ridden and have a compulsion to make everything right and I know that people don't like to be around that but there's gotta be someone that won't leave, right? It feels like no matter what I do and no matter how well things are going, I always inevitably push too hard for love and compassion and end up pushing everyone away because I'm always too much, but somehow I'm not enough at the same time. I *want* to help people, I *want* love, but I end up getting hurt every single time. And things are going really well right now but I'm so scared that it's just a matter of time before I go and fuck that up too, and I really can't do that because they are possibly the most important person in my life and I really do love and care about them so deeply and I can't ruin it but I don't know how to *not* ruin it. They are the only person who I feel truly and fully safe around and I can't lose that. They are the only person who seems genuinely interested in *me* and not just my body because every time before the only person doing any of the work was me, and all they cared about was getting in my pants, and I've let them every single time because I was so scared to say no and ruin something that felt real. And now I'm even *more* scared to say no because some people don't take that for an answer. I have gotten so comfortable with being uncomfortable and all I want is someone who will stay and really love me for me and not my body or what I can do for them. For my entire life I have been a pushover and a people pleaser and there is no way that I can fathom to fix it. Literal YEARS of therapy have not fixed it. I really just need a hug.