I'm not a car person, so I never really paid attention to car makes or models before.
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There are a lot of people who don't see it in the physical world either. Women often don't talk about these things in public. I'm not victim blaming. There's lots of reasons for that, not least of which is a credible fear of retaliation. Probably other reasons that I'm not aware of, too.
Men, of course, rarely see gendered abuse and so can ignore or deny it if they choose. Even abusers, incredibly, do this.
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R relay@relay.an.exchange shared this topic
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I'm not a car person, so I never really paid attention to car makes or models before. Sure, I knew that there were Hondas and Hyundais, but unless someone was actively pointing them out, I couldn't tell you which was which.
Then I became the owner of a little red Ford Focus, and I started driving it around.
Next thing I knew, I was spotting them *everywhere*. I'd come out of the grocer and there'd be identical ones parked on both sides of me! Hell, I eventually got a window decal so I could more easily tell which was mine
A couple years ago I discovered I was lactose intolerant, and—bear with me, these stories are connected—I started keeping lactaid with me wherever I went (just to be safe). I started paying attention to just how much dairy was in things, and wow, spoiler: it's in like *everything*
Over the past couple years, I've gotten pretty used to being lactose intolerant. I keep lactase handy, and I watch out for things with "too much dairy". It's just become background noise—like noticing other Ford Focuses (Foci?). It's just part of my life now.
A couple months ago I got propositioned by a creep in my hotel's lobby.
A couple weeks ago I had slurs yelled at me as I walked down the street with my mom.
A couple days ago someone told me to kill myself in a DM.
Every day, someone says "really? I don't see stuff like that here".
@alice Oh my Godlessnes, this is horrible
️ I've only been recently introduced to the notion of "minority stress" so I'm everything but an expert in this, but this seems to be part of it.
So, I just want to throw in a few encouraging words. I've been following you here for a while, and not only do I think that you are valid in every aspect of you that you are showing or telling about here... I also love your posts, be they about your interests, or NSFW content, or about politics.
Plus, you're among the people online who help me get a glimpse of that better part of the USA population that hasn't gone Trumpist, and frankly this is so good for my mental health and my trust in humanity.
So I'm sending love and support and I wish you the best! -
Just to be explicit, that post was about how all the institutionalized/everyday/inherent sexism, racism, homophobia, bigotry, etc. is invisible to most folx until it directly impacts them.
Just like I don't see 99% of the racism that #BlackMastodon does until someone points an example out to me, and just like I would've told you that I don't know anyone who drives a red Ford Focus until I started driving one myself.
It's fucking everywhere...
And to those it affects, it's just the background noise of existing while black/queer/femme/disabled/neurodivergent, and so on.
@alice the point about that for me is that I truely don't understand what motivates those people, and in this I have some form of symapthy for peoples ignorance. It simply doesn't fit these people's (mine included) perception of society - not even closely - so it feels like you are talking about some other species. This makes it all the more important to ensure that everybody affected by this human garbage has a chance to be heard. Especially by people with the power to do something about it
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@alice the point about that for me is that I truely don't understand what motivates those people, and in this I have some form of symapthy for peoples ignorance. It simply doesn't fit these people's (mine included) perception of society - not even closely - so it feels like you are talking about some other species. This makes it all the more important to ensure that everybody affected by this human garbage has a chance to be heard. Especially by people with the power to do something about it
@alice I am not trying to justify this behavior in any way. I just kind of understand why many people have a hard time to believe these story since they are SO FAR outside the envelope they assume possible
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I'm not a car person, so I never really paid attention to car makes or models before. Sure, I knew that there were Hondas and Hyundais, but unless someone was actively pointing them out, I couldn't tell you which was which.
Then I became the owner of a little red Ford Focus, and I started driving it around.
Next thing I knew, I was spotting them *everywhere*. I'd come out of the grocer and there'd be identical ones parked on both sides of me! Hell, I eventually got a window decal so I could more easily tell which was mine
A couple years ago I discovered I was lactose intolerant, and—bear with me, these stories are connected—I started keeping lactaid with me wherever I went (just to be safe). I started paying attention to just how much dairy was in things, and wow, spoiler: it's in like *everything*
Over the past couple years, I've gotten pretty used to being lactose intolerant. I keep lactase handy, and I watch out for things with "too much dairy". It's just become background noise—like noticing other Ford Focuses (Foci?). It's just part of my life now.
A couple months ago I got propositioned by a creep in my hotel's lobby.
A couple weeks ago I had slurs yelled at me as I walked down the street with my mom.
A couple days ago someone told me to kill myself in a DM.
Every day, someone says "really? I don't see stuff like that here".
@alice@lgbtqia.space ehehehe i remember having very fun going to 9/11 museum as brown youngish masc-presenter with a large black backpack
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Just to be explicit, that post was about how all the institutionalized/everyday/inherent sexism, racism, homophobia, bigotry, etc. is invisible to most folx until it directly impacts them.
Just like I don't see 99% of the racism that #BlackMastodon does until someone points an example out to me, and just like I would've told you that I don't know anyone who drives a red Ford Focus until I started driving one myself.
It's fucking everywhere...
And to those it affects, it's just the background noise of existing while black/queer/femme/disabled/neurodivergent, and so on.
@alice You have probably heard this, and I can't recall the source, but what you describe has been called the opposite of empathy ...
It's mepathy
I can't empathise until it happens to me.
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@alice the point about that for me is that I truely don't understand what motivates those people, and in this I have some form of symapthy for peoples ignorance. It simply doesn't fit these people's (mine included) perception of society - not even closely - so it feels like you are talking about some other species. This makes it all the more important to ensure that everybody affected by this human garbage has a chance to be heard. Especially by people with the power to do something about it
@DJGummikuh the problem is that it isn't just "human garbage" truly shitty people only make up a tiny percentage of the total. It's the guy who was "just joking" about your skirt length, or the people on the bus who decide it's "not their problem", or the lady who makes a comment about how articulate her black neighbor is.
It's the casual "
️ what're ya gonna do about it" bigotry and entitlement that permeates every pore of society. -
@DJGummikuh the problem is that it isn't just "human garbage" truly shitty people only make up a tiny percentage of the total. It's the guy who was "just joking" about your skirt length, or the people on the bus who decide it's "not their problem", or the lady who makes a comment about how articulate her black neighbor is.
It's the casual "
️ what're ya gonna do about it" bigotry and entitlement that permeates every pore of society.@alice @DJGummikuh It's also all of us tbh, if you are genuinely convinced you have never done at the very least a microaggression to a minority you're not a part of, you have not done enough work deconstructing your bias to notice. And that's a call to action for people, inform yourself!
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@rubixhelix thank you. I like to think I can write pretty sometimes.
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Just to be explicit, that post was about how all the institutionalized/everyday/inherent sexism, racism, homophobia, bigotry, etc. is invisible to most folx until it directly impacts them.
Just like I don't see 99% of the racism that #BlackMastodon does until someone points an example out to me, and just like I would've told you that I don't know anyone who drives a red Ford Focus until I started driving one myself.
It's fucking everywhere...
And to those it affects, it's just the background noise of existing while black/queer/femme/disabled/neurodivergent, and so on.
@alice Last year we discovered my partner was allergic to (among many other things) a very specific ingredient found in a lot of soap products (shampoo, conditioner, dish soap, laundry detergent, moisturizer, etc.) Sometimes it's not even on the ingredients list! Even products specifically meant to be hypoallergenic and for sensitive skin.
Also queer, disabled, food sensitivities and limitations...
Yeah. This shit is real.
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There are a lot of people who don't see it in the physical world either. Women often don't talk about these things in public. I'm not victim blaming. There's lots of reasons for that, not least of which is a credible fear of retaliation. Probably other reasons that I'm not aware of, too.
Men, of course, rarely see gendered abuse and so can ignore or deny it if they choose. Even abusers, incredibly, do this.
Efforts to discuss examples of bigotry or harassment will often get you redirected to HR or suggestions for therapy, that's how bad the deliberate blindness of privilege works
The physical health problems that arise from social ecosystems of unacknowledged white supremacy.
People with high blood sugars & pre-diabetes despite good dietary & exercise habits.
Young POC with heart attacks.
Cortisol overload from the stress of being in an environment of unwarranted hate
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I'm not a car person, so I never really paid attention to car makes or models before. Sure, I knew that there were Hondas and Hyundais, but unless someone was actively pointing them out, I couldn't tell you which was which.
Then I became the owner of a little red Ford Focus, and I started driving it around.
Next thing I knew, I was spotting them *everywhere*. I'd come out of the grocer and there'd be identical ones parked on both sides of me! Hell, I eventually got a window decal so I could more easily tell which was mine
A couple years ago I discovered I was lactose intolerant, and—bear with me, these stories are connected—I started keeping lactaid with me wherever I went (just to be safe). I started paying attention to just how much dairy was in things, and wow, spoiler: it's in like *everything*
Over the past couple years, I've gotten pretty used to being lactose intolerant. I keep lactase handy, and I watch out for things with "too much dairy". It's just become background noise—like noticing other Ford Focuses (Foci?). It's just part of my life now.
A couple months ago I got propositioned by a creep in my hotel's lobby.
A couple weeks ago I had slurs yelled at me as I walked down the street with my mom.
A couple days ago someone told me to kill myself in a DM.
Every day, someone says "really? I don't see stuff like that here".
@alice i think part of the issue is the weird privacy settings - i can reply to a public post with a DM or "followers only" post that's visible to *my* followers not those of the person I'm replying to. Presumably if I'm a serial harasser, I'm not going to have a lot of normal decent people among my followers.
And from my victim's POV they made a public post and got threats or abuse in reply and nobody is standing up for them.
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@alice i think part of the issue is the weird privacy settings - i can reply to a public post with a DM or "followers only" post that's visible to *my* followers not those of the person I'm replying to. Presumably if I'm a serial harasser, I'm not going to have a lot of normal decent people among my followers.
And from my victim's POV they made a public post and got threats or abuse in reply and nobody is standing up for them.
@alice in that moment the victim is going to be understandably shocked and triggered, not paying close attention to subtle UI elements telling them that everyone else in the thread probably can't see the abuse they're facing.
I don't have a solution to the problem, but I see it as a problem with the mechanics of the protocol. Changing the protocol wouldn't make abuse go away of course but it might help a bit.
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I'm not a car person, so I never really paid attention to car makes or models before. Sure, I knew that there were Hondas and Hyundais, but unless someone was actively pointing them out, I couldn't tell you which was which.
Then I became the owner of a little red Ford Focus, and I started driving it around.
Next thing I knew, I was spotting them *everywhere*. I'd come out of the grocer and there'd be identical ones parked on both sides of me! Hell, I eventually got a window decal so I could more easily tell which was mine
A couple years ago I discovered I was lactose intolerant, and—bear with me, these stories are connected—I started keeping lactaid with me wherever I went (just to be safe). I started paying attention to just how much dairy was in things, and wow, spoiler: it's in like *everything*
Over the past couple years, I've gotten pretty used to being lactose intolerant. I keep lactase handy, and I watch out for things with "too much dairy". It's just become background noise—like noticing other Ford Focuses (Foci?). It's just part of my life now.
A couple months ago I got propositioned by a creep in my hotel's lobby.
A couple weeks ago I had slurs yelled at me as I walked down the street with my mom.
A couple days ago someone told me to kill myself in a DM.
Every day, someone says "really? I don't see stuff like that here".
@alice I only hope I last as long as my 1993 Ford Escort did - 545,000 kms! Like me, it's moving parts began to freeze up over time so that only the driver door would open. But it kept moving and stayed active!
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I'm not a car person, so I never really paid attention to car makes or models before. Sure, I knew that there were Hondas and Hyundais, but unless someone was actively pointing them out, I couldn't tell you which was which.
Then I became the owner of a little red Ford Focus, and I started driving it around.
Next thing I knew, I was spotting them *everywhere*. I'd come out of the grocer and there'd be identical ones parked on both sides of me! Hell, I eventually got a window decal so I could more easily tell which was mine
A couple years ago I discovered I was lactose intolerant, and—bear with me, these stories are connected—I started keeping lactaid with me wherever I went (just to be safe). I started paying attention to just how much dairy was in things, and wow, spoiler: it's in like *everything*
Over the past couple years, I've gotten pretty used to being lactose intolerant. I keep lactase handy, and I watch out for things with "too much dairy". It's just become background noise—like noticing other Ford Focuses (Foci?). It's just part of my life now.
A couple months ago I got propositioned by a creep in my hotel's lobby.
A couple weeks ago I had slurs yelled at me as I walked down the street with my mom.
A couple days ago someone told me to kill myself in a DM.
Every day, someone says "really? I don't see stuff like that here".
@alice how can people not see? What kind of glorified safe space bubble do they drift through life in?
I was literally composing a post about how the bad was getting worse when I read this.
I should probably just go to bed now. -
Just to be explicit, that post was about how all the institutionalized/everyday/inherent sexism, racism, homophobia, bigotry, etc. is invisible to most folx until it directly impacts them.
Just like I don't see 99% of the racism that #BlackMastodon does until someone points an example out to me, and just like I would've told you that I don't know anyone who drives a red Ford Focus until I started driving one myself.
It's fucking everywhere...
And to those it affects, it's just the background noise of existing while black/queer/femme/disabled/neurodivergent, and so on.
@alice While I truly don't see it on this site, I'm fully aware there's easily thousands, tends of thousands even, of accounts and instances the admins of the instance I use have successfully whacked the banhammer at are largely why that's the case. I also deliberately don't hang out in large spaces on the internet because even the best intentioned and most respected mods in sufficiently large spaces will have people slip through the cracks.
I'm not saying anyone is at fault for not doing either of those things. I wish I didn't feel the need to do it for my own mental health. I wish I could feel comfortable that I could exist in larger spaces than I do with less aggressive moderation without suddenly facing an onslaught of precisely the abuse you described and more I suspect you didn't but also go through as someone with a significantly larger presence than my own.
[edited to fix a typo]
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@alice how can people not see? What kind of glorified safe space bubble do they drift through life in?
I was literally composing a post about how the bad was getting worse when I read this.
I should probably just go to bed now.@CatDragon they don't see because they're not familiar with the dog whistles that aren't whistling at them.
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I'm not a car person, so I never really paid attention to car makes or models before. Sure, I knew that there were Hondas and Hyundais, but unless someone was actively pointing them out, I couldn't tell you which was which.
Then I became the owner of a little red Ford Focus, and I started driving it around.
Next thing I knew, I was spotting them *everywhere*. I'd come out of the grocer and there'd be identical ones parked on both sides of me! Hell, I eventually got a window decal so I could more easily tell which was mine
A couple years ago I discovered I was lactose intolerant, and—bear with me, these stories are connected—I started keeping lactaid with me wherever I went (just to be safe). I started paying attention to just how much dairy was in things, and wow, spoiler: it's in like *everything*
Over the past couple years, I've gotten pretty used to being lactose intolerant. I keep lactase handy, and I watch out for things with "too much dairy". It's just become background noise—like noticing other Ford Focuses (Foci?). It's just part of my life now.
A couple months ago I got propositioned by a creep in my hotel's lobby.
A couple weeks ago I had slurs yelled at me as I walked down the street with my mom.
A couple days ago someone told me to kill myself in a DM.
Every day, someone says "really? I don't see stuff like that here".
@alice
Okay, when I started reading this, I wanted to reply with the ADHD-joke about Ford Focus...But then your toot took a dark turn and I don't feel it's appropriate anymore. And yes, I can relate, you start spotting patterns when they start to affect you.
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I'm not a car person, so I never really paid attention to car makes or models before. Sure, I knew that there were Hondas and Hyundais, but unless someone was actively pointing them out, I couldn't tell you which was which.
Then I became the owner of a little red Ford Focus, and I started driving it around.
Next thing I knew, I was spotting them *everywhere*. I'd come out of the grocer and there'd be identical ones parked on both sides of me! Hell, I eventually got a window decal so I could more easily tell which was mine
A couple years ago I discovered I was lactose intolerant, and—bear with me, these stories are connected—I started keeping lactaid with me wherever I went (just to be safe). I started paying attention to just how much dairy was in things, and wow, spoiler: it's in like *everything*
Over the past couple years, I've gotten pretty used to being lactose intolerant. I keep lactase handy, and I watch out for things with "too much dairy". It's just become background noise—like noticing other Ford Focuses (Foci?). It's just part of my life now.
A couple months ago I got propositioned by a creep in my hotel's lobby.
A couple weeks ago I had slurs yelled at me as I walked down the street with my mom.
A couple days ago someone told me to kill myself in a DM.
Every day, someone says "really? I don't see stuff like that here".
@alice that's an interesting line from the Baader–Meinhof phenomenon to our perception of these things.
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@alice While I truly don't see it on this site, I'm fully aware there's easily thousands, tends of thousands even, of accounts and instances the admins of the instance I use have successfully whacked the banhammer at are largely why that's the case. I also deliberately don't hang out in large spaces on the internet because even the best intentioned and most respected mods in sufficiently large spaces will have people slip through the cracks.
I'm not saying anyone is at fault for not doing either of those things. I wish I didn't feel the need to do it for my own mental health. I wish I could feel comfortable that I could exist in larger spaces than I do with less aggressive moderation without suddenly facing an onslaught of precisely the abuse you described and more I suspect you didn't but also go through as someone with a significantly larger presence than my own.
[edited to fix a typo]
@disorderlyf @alice oh yeah the structure of the Fediverse compounds systemic blindness significantly. Even for trivial things we have very different views of what happens here. Even more so than on the commercial silos.
