I think one of my biggest problems in communication is, that I know what to do in theory, but often, it just feels too wrong.
-
I think one of my biggest problems in communication is, that I know what to do in theory, but often, it just feels too wrong.
For example most people are generally very intuitive thinking and have a low conscious awareness of what they are actually thinking and saying, so discussions feel like I have the choice between "being honest" and not getting my point across and herding the other person towards my point like an animal, which feels manipulative.
1/
-
I think one of my biggest problems in communication is, that I know what to do in theory, but often, it just feels too wrong.
For example most people are generally very intuitive thinking and have a low conscious awareness of what they are actually thinking and saying, so discussions feel like I have the choice between "being honest" and not getting my point across and herding the other person towards my point like an animal, which feels manipulative.
1/
I know that this is just how most people communicate.
I know that "by neurotypical standards", it "doesn't count" as "lying" and "being manipulative", but you could make a way better, logically more consistent point for that it should.Lying creates stress for the brain and for me the stress is so high, that it's a struggle.
Even just the pretending of "being polite" feels stressful to me and costs me a disproportionate amount of energy.2/
-
I know that this is just how most people communicate.
I know that "by neurotypical standards", it "doesn't count" as "lying" and "being manipulative", but you could make a way better, logically more consistent point for that it should.Lying creates stress for the brain and for me the stress is so high, that it's a struggle.
Even just the pretending of "being polite" feels stressful to me and costs me a disproportionate amount of energy.2/
For others it's just something they say to make an interaction go their way, for me lying can feel like "using the wrong material, to construct a reality", like a building, that is now statically unstable and will come crumbling down eventually.
To some extend also, like I'm going to get caught and then never be believed again.
As if the rules of "that's just how you communicate" don't apply to me, since I can "see through it".3/
-
For others it's just something they say to make an interaction go their way, for me lying can feel like "using the wrong material, to construct a reality", like a building, that is now statically unstable and will come crumbling down eventually.
To some extend also, like I'm going to get caught and then never be believed again.
As if the rules of "that's just how you communicate" don't apply to me, since I can "see through it".3/
Of course a solution seems to be to just "stay true to myself", but discussions have consequences.
Not only for me, but potentially for many others as well.
For example, what if I could change a lot of peoples minds, "herd them like cattle" towards not harming others.
Wouldn't it be pretty "egoistic" of me, to "stay honest", if people might get hurt?
In part so I don't have to "feel dirty" about it?It's a tough dilemma and also hard to explain to others in a way they understand.
4/
-
Of course a solution seems to be to just "stay true to myself", but discussions have consequences.
Not only for me, but potentially for many others as well.
For example, what if I could change a lot of peoples minds, "herd them like cattle" towards not harming others.
Wouldn't it be pretty "egoistic" of me, to "stay honest", if people might get hurt?
In part so I don't have to "feel dirty" about it?It's a tough dilemma and also hard to explain to others in a way they understand.
4/
There also seems to be an autistic-allistic divide here, where one side favors effective "outcome oriented" communication, while the other might also be "outcome oriented" in theory, but that theory ignores most people being allistic.
As if you even could communicate effectively with most people while staying "completely honest".
As if many autistic people make the same mistake allistic people do from the other direction and act like there is an "autistic person behind the allism".5/
-
There also seems to be an autistic-allistic divide here, where one side favors effective "outcome oriented" communication, while the other might also be "outcome oriented" in theory, but that theory ignores most people being allistic.
As if you even could communicate effectively with most people while staying "completely honest".
As if many autistic people make the same mistake allistic people do from the other direction and act like there is an "autistic person behind the allism".5/
As if you could, with enough honesty and enough directness, "break through their allism" and allistic thinking and "make them understand", when often, the most you can do in practice, is make them "understand what they're supposed to do", the aforementioned "herding".
Like you can make the (clishé) "uncle at a family gathering" understand, that he shouldn't say racist or transphobic stuff, but not actually make him understand why.
6/
-
As if you could, with enough honesty and enough directness, "break through their allism" and allistic thinking and "make them understand", when often, the most you can do in practice, is make them "understand what they're supposed to do", the aforementioned "herding".
Like you can make the (clishé) "uncle at a family gathering" understand, that he shouldn't say racist or transphobic stuff, but not actually make him understand why.
6/
Often the "understanding why" gets in the way of "understanding that" and there just is no way to transport both.
But then again, making a person "understand that" often involves a misrepresentation of the situation.
Sometimes just one, that's closer to their worldview, so it's a distance they can bridge.Like telling the uncle "yeah, trans people are weird, but that's no excuse to mistreat them", when without the pretence of "being on the same side", their mind wouldn't have changed.
7/
-
Often the "understanding why" gets in the way of "understanding that" and there just is no way to transport both.
But then again, making a person "understand that" often involves a misrepresentation of the situation.
Sometimes just one, that's closer to their worldview, so it's a distance they can bridge.Like telling the uncle "yeah, trans people are weird, but that's no excuse to mistreat them", when without the pretence of "being on the same side", their mind wouldn't have changed.
7/
So if nobody "knows what you're doing", someone might hear the conversation and think "wow, they just agreed with their transphobic uncle", or in some cases worse "they just pretended to agree to manipulate him, I also can no longer trust, what they tell me".
Especially on the internet, where others can see your conversations and they get "archived" this is a concern.
If you already feel bad about things, that probably nobody but you remembers, then having them "archived" can be way worse.
8/8 -
So if nobody "knows what you're doing", someone might hear the conversation and think "wow, they just agreed with their transphobic uncle", or in some cases worse "they just pretended to agree to manipulate him, I also can no longer trust, what they tell me".
Especially on the internet, where others can see your conversations and they get "archived" this is a concern.
If you already feel bad about things, that probably nobody but you remembers, then having them "archived" can be way worse.
8/8I think neurotypical people have no idea how exhausting communicating with them is for us. Not only on the high levels like doctor appointments, but already on the lower levels of their game of assumptions like small talk with the dog people in my conservative neighbourhood.
Beagle Lumi doesn't care who is on the other side of the leash and I want him to walk together with his dog friends, so I have to do the small talk. And sometimes when I am distracted because of Lumi, it happens that my monotropic mind drives me directly into a dead end, which leads to an inner dialogue like
"Fuck, they won't understand this, because they are not autistic. They will judge you. But you can't explain it to them in detail, because they can't process it, because they are not autistic..."
In situations like this I use a trick that I learned during my time as an account manager and during job interviews. I don't lie, but I am not as precise as I naturally would be as an autistic person and leave room for interpretation.
Because the neurotypicals love their assumptions, most of their communication is based on imprecise information and assumptions, so I let them make their assumptions and they are happy.
Later at home I often get a bad conscience, because I wasn't as precise as I could have been and that's kind of lying and this causes the stress you described. But then I calm down, because Lumi needs his dog friends and this is just the way the NTs communicate.
-
R relay@relay.mycrowd.ca shared this topic
