I've never met a femme-presenting¹ person who didn't have a sexual harassment/assault story.

[alexadeswift@lgbtqia.space]

@alice

Every single woman, cis or trans, and femme presenting person I know has been a victim of SA without exception. And most have their first assault as a child or early teens.

[stephaniepixie@fandom.garden]

@alice Absolutely. Many don’t even have to leave home and still get harassed/assaulted either by family and/or online.
Many kids assumed to be girls have stories of harassment/assault at a young age. By the time we reach adulthood many of us don’t notice the many micro-aggressions mainly from men.

[orangelantern@labyrinth.zone]

@alice Neither have I. You all have dozens of similar stories, starting from the early teens. Each and every one, no exceptions. And I get why so many men have difficulties believing, understanding or accepting this – it's probably because they feature in at least one of them. Sometimes without them ever realizing it, because it's always much less memorable if you just say or do something on impulse than be the one on the receiving end.

"That hardly counts!" "It was meant as a compliment!" "You're being over-sensitive!" and the classic "not all men!", meaning "I certainly don't, do I? Please absolve me."

[irene@discuss.systems]

@stephaniepixie @alice I had a woman tell me recently that her parents made her wear a bra at home because her dad is there. HER DAD. 🤯🤯🤯

[damonology@lgbtqia.space]

@alice I started getting sexualized when I was 10, my first instance of grooming was at 12 (or maybe 13? Its blurry.) As an adult, I would be harassed on the streets daily.

It all stopped when I started taking T.

[ykantrachelread@social.treehouse.systems]

@alice in my case, I'm transfeminine, came out at age 34. I don't have any memories of CSA, but I don't have very many memories of my childhood in general, and some of my trauma responses would suggest that something occurred along those lines. (I don't identify as a CSA survivor, to be clear, because I don't want to speak over those who are sure about their experiences.)

as an adult, though, I've had some experiences both pre- and post-transition that I've reluctantly come to recognize were, absolutely, sexual abuse.

[stephaniepixie@fandom.garden]

@irene @alice That doesn’t surprise me. The home is not a safe space for many girls.

[b@mrrp.place]

@alexadeswift @alice huh, that's interesting, I'm a trans woman and i don't think I've experienced sexual assault ? like of course there's the chance that there's something i'm not remembering (yay CPTSD) but i'm pretty sure i haven't. i have had random men on the street or in cars catcall me a few times but that seems to me like harassment not assault

[alexadeswift@lgbtqia.space]

@b

If you felt fear, it was assault.

@alice

[b@mrrp.place]

@alexadeswift @alice wait, so what counts as "just" harassment then? is there ever harassment that doesn't make someone feel fear? should i not be thinking of these as different? /gen

[ellesaurus@toot.lgbt]

@alice I don't. I agree with your general premise, that's it's a overwhelming and horrific problem that is egregiously common. And given how most say it's worse as a teen, I avoided it by femme presenting much later.

I only mention this because it's a weird feeling when people talk about this kind of thing as if it is a universal fundamental femme experience and where does that leave the few of us who are fortunate to have dodged that bullet?

It's better than the alternative but also othering.

[alexadeswift@lgbtqia.space]

@b

Under British law, if someone takes any action towards you which causes you to feel fear, that is common assault. If there is a sexual element to it then that is aggravated.

Under the Harrassment Act anything that would not constitute assault is harrassment, but you need at least three recorded incidents in the Log.

@alice

[rallias@hax.social]

@alice Admittedly, I haven't gotten out of the house all that much since actually cracking my own egg. But I definitely have a few instances of harassment I can remember from my "I'm a cis guy" "Uh huh, whatever you say sir" phase.

The sheer number of Uber/Lyft passengers that would play with my hair, for one thing.

And then there was that one guy at a Circle K/Valero station that did not appreciate me ignoring his cat calls.

[sefr@beige.party]

@alice My little sister tried to seek help to stop my stepfather from sexual abuse. Nobody believed her, not school personnel (even with mandated reporting, if the next words out of their mouth is "I have to report this, so you better be sure", most kids clam up or retract because they know they're not going to help you), not even my other siblings.

Then she tried telling me. I believed her on the first attempt. This does not make me a hero, don't praise or star me, please. This is what men need to understand, this story isn't about me. (Keep reading.) I also won't tell her story before that point, it isn't mine to share.

But my stepdad, after several failed stints in rehab and physical abuse on the rest of us, that was the last day he was in our family; he drew a pistol and threatened killing her, then turned it to all of us before the police arrived and took him into custody. Thankfully he was ultimately a coward, he didn't fire a single shot and surrendered. (This went down in the 1990s. He also was cheating on my Mom and had a kid with another woman while playing a drunk game of "daddy" with us, which also came out in the trial.)

What scares me is if I didn't act: knowing what he was capable of since that day, she would have been in grave danger if I left her alone with him. She may have been killed if she did something wrong, and he'd try to hide her, or run from it. After all, that gun was there all along. One bad day is all it takes.

My point: Believe a woman when she says she's in danger. Don't wait. Because if you dismiss her, you don't know if she can survive what's next if you are wrong.

[alice@lgbtqia.space]

@irene wtf? ‍

@stephaniepixie

[ghostprince@social.servitor.love]

@damonology @alice I'm glad to hear it stopped for you on T but as a transmasc genderqueer person who cannot medically transition due to health reasons this isn't the case for me.

So yes, men get SA'd too, especially trans men/mascs who cannot transition. Idk op that inb4 was kind of crappy.

[ghostprince@social.servitor.love]

imo this whole gender divide btwn who has it worse, men or women, is pointless and causes us more infighting than necessary especially because (micro) aggressions towards men will always shunt the trans man & other vulnerable men first instead of the white cishet male overlords you're thinking of (and, you know, their trophy wives who just as readily put on the boot). Also it's incredibly binarist why are we reinventing gender roles but trans

[alice@lgbtqia.space]

@YKantRachelRead 🫂

[grim_elsewhere@lgbtqia.space]

@alice I was 17, a long time before I came out as trans.

[dee@social.treehouse.systems]

@alice I was aged 10... I don't have the words to say on main the severity, the frequency, who was involved. It is nothing short of harrowing.

I still cry for that 10y old.