And so but anyway, did I ever tell you about my most humiliating experience as a skilled and successful computer programmer?
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So I fly to Newfoundland, and I get on an actual icebreaker ship.
Oh my people, it was so fucking cool. Icebreakers aren't gigantic, like container ships or tanker ships, but they're *big*, just the same.
And the Canadian Coast Guard is a commercial service, not a military one, so even tho they spend months at sea, they take very good care of their sailors, so, broadly speaking, the place was all modern cons.
(You still have to take navy showers, but other than that.)
Now. I was afraid of sea sickness. I'd been on fishing trips on the open ocean, and had been very sick. So I wore a patch.
You may not know this, but there are still Royal Navy traditions practiced aboard ships.
One of the important ones: there's always a comedy officer. Someone whose job it is to be funny, to make sailors smile.
You think that's silly, but sometimes these people are on board these ships for a *year*. It is important that they be amused.
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Now. I was afraid of sea sickness. I'd been on fishing trips on the open ocean, and had been very sick. So I wore a patch.
You may not know this, but there are still Royal Navy traditions practiced aboard ships.
One of the important ones: there's always a comedy officer. Someone whose job it is to be funny, to make sailors smile.
You think that's silly, but sometimes these people are on board these ships for a *year*. It is important that they be amused.
And the other Royal Navy tradition: Captains are inviolate commanders, at all times in all settings. They present "serious". They eat and drink separately from the crew. They have only three or four other officers that they ever get to, comparatively, relax with.
So, you have a comedy officer, and you have a captain, and the captain simply looks the other way when the comedy officer is up to their hijinks.
He *knows* the hijinks. He *sees* the hijinks. But he pretends not to.
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And the other Royal Navy tradition: Captains are inviolate commanders, at all times in all settings. They present "serious". They eat and drink separately from the crew. They have only three or four other officers that they ever get to, comparatively, relax with.
So, you have a comedy officer, and you have a captain, and the captain simply looks the other way when the comedy officer is up to their hijinks.
He *knows* the hijinks. He *sees* the hijinks. But he pretends not to.
I'm up on the bridge, with my PC, connected to my three devices, and we're getting close to the ice.
Comedy officer comes up to the bridge, and *he* also has a sea-sickness patch.
Kids, the icebreaker, as I said, is not tiny. There's no tossing about in the waves. You do not need a seasickness patch.
Then he comes back an hour later, and now he's got *two* patches.
An hour later, he's got *four* patches.
Then he comes to the bridge and his whole jaw is covered with them.
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I'm up on the bridge, with my PC, connected to my three devices, and we're getting close to the ice.
Comedy officer comes up to the bridge, and *he* also has a sea-sickness patch.
Kids, the icebreaker, as I said, is not tiny. There's no tossing about in the waves. You do not need a seasickness patch.
Then he comes back an hour later, and now he's got *two* patches.
An hour later, he's got *four* patches.
Then he comes to the bridge and his whole jaw is covered with them.
The captain is totally ignoring this guy. He's not even spozed to be on the bridge, let alone covered in little patches (just circular bandaids, actually). But the rest of the crew is laughing their ass off.
And it's *funny*.
I mean, yeah, I was embarrassed, but, whatever, I got it. I took off my stupid patch.
We're getting to the ice, and getting to the ice is so amazingly cool, I didn't even mind the comedy officer making me the butt of the joke.
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The captain is totally ignoring this guy. He's not even spozed to be on the bridge, let alone covered in little patches (just circular bandaids, actually). But the rest of the crew is laughing their ass off.
And it's *funny*.
I mean, yeah, I was embarrassed, but, whatever, I got it. I took off my stupid patch.
We're getting to the ice, and getting to the ice is so amazingly cool, I didn't even mind the comedy officer making me the butt of the joke.
Now we're in the ice. We have a convoy of 3 container ships behind us.
If you stand at the stern, you can see those huge twin engines throwing 4-meter chunks of ice up into the air.
And I have my PC. And it has its three devices feeding my slick-assed custom icebreaker display. "I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
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Now we're in the ice. We have a convoy of 3 container ships behind us.
If you stand at the stern, you can see those huge twin engines throwing 4-meter chunks of ice up into the air.
And I have my PC. And it has its three devices feeding my slick-assed custom icebreaker display. "I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
Here's the thing. Three devices, innit:
1) The GPS works but is spotty, cuz you're in a constant storm.
2) The speed log is basically a vent on the bottom of the hull, measuring the water passing by. But the ice is rushing under the bottom of the hull, and it jams the vent.
3) The radar tracks the target, but the target is so close it might just as well be the icebreaker itself, and the tracker gradually creeps on to the icebreaker's own ass.
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Here's the thing. Three devices, innit:
1) The GPS works but is spotty, cuz you're in a constant storm.
2) The speed log is basically a vent on the bottom of the hull, measuring the water passing by. But the ice is rushing under the bottom of the hull, and it jams the vent.
3) The radar tracks the target, but the target is so close it might just as well be the icebreaker itself, and the tracker gradually creeps on to the icebreaker's own ass.
So my display, which is accurately showing the data, is like:
We're going slower than a Toronto pub crawl. No, wait! We're going faster than the speed of light!
We're somewhere in Mexico. No, wait! We are probably in Kansas.
The client ship is going the exact same speed at the exact same location as us! No wait. It *is* us. No wait, it's *ramming* us at full speed!!
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So my display, which is accurately showing the data, is like:
We're going slower than a Toronto pub crawl. No, wait! We're going faster than the speed of light!
We're somewhere in Mexico. No, wait! We are probably in Kansas.
The client ship is going the exact same speed at the exact same location as us! No wait. It *is* us. No wait, it's *ramming* us at full speed!!
Man, I had some fails in my time, but this one wasn't just a fail, it was fucking *embarrassing*.
"Build a special custom icebreaking display using the hardware on the ship, it'll be brilliant!"
The hardware doesn't work in the ice. Any actual icebreaker captain could have told me -- us -- that, had we -- they -- ever actually consulted one.
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Man, I had some fails in my time, but this one wasn't just a fail, it was fucking *embarrassing*.
"Build a special custom icebreaking display using the hardware on the ship, it'll be brilliant!"
The hardware doesn't work in the ice. Any actual icebreaker captain could have told me -- us -- that, had we -- they -- ever actually consulted one.
Not, I repeat, my only great failure as a geek.
But, *damn*, that was humiliating.
I wrote an *excellent* program that *brilliantly* displayed data coming from hardware that didn't work.
It was a gig. I got paid. That's not the point. I was a pro, and pro's deliver *value*.
All I delivered was a good laugh.
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Not, I repeat, my only great failure as a geek.
But, *damn*, that was humiliating.
I wrote an *excellent* program that *brilliantly* displayed data coming from hardware that didn't work.
It was a gig. I got paid. That's not the point. I was a pro, and pro's deliver *value*.
All I delivered was a good laugh.
Upside: I saw many many seals, and a polar bear from a distance. The comedy officer was actually the helicopter maintenance guy, and I got a helicopter tour of an iceberg. All of that was rather awesome.
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Not, I repeat, my only great failure as a geek.
But, *damn*, that was humiliating.
I wrote an *excellent* program that *brilliantly* displayed data coming from hardware that didn't work.
It was a gig. I got paid. That's not the point. I was a pro, and pro's deliver *value*.
All I delivered was a good laugh.
@GeePawHill
Good story, well told -
Upside: I saw many many seals, and a polar bear from a distance. The comedy officer was actually the helicopter maintenance guy, and I got a helicopter tour of an iceberg. All of that was rather awesome.
@GeePawHill Epic failure and a wonderful story!
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Not, I repeat, my only great failure as a geek.
But, *damn*, that was humiliating.
I wrote an *excellent* program that *brilliantly* displayed data coming from hardware that didn't work.
It was a gig. I got paid. That's not the point. I was a pro, and pro's deliver *value*.
All I delivered was a good laugh.
@GeePawHill Wow. What a story. Awesome.
But somebody hired you. This wasn’t your idea. You didn’t say “I have an idea: let’s bring these 3 devices together on an icebreaker.”
So somebody knew enough about these 5 things: icebreakers, gps, speed logs, radar, and computer programmers. They knew enough to imagine what each could do, but not enough to know that this wasn’t going to work at all.
And the supreme irony that you forgot to mention: all 4 ships, the icebreaker and its 3 ships behind, all made it safely to where they were going even while your thing didn’t work at all.
Brilliant story though. Humbling and hilarious.
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Upside: I saw many many seals, and a polar bear from a distance. The comedy officer was actually the helicopter maintenance guy, and I got a helicopter tour of an iceberg. All of that was rather awesome.
And, for the record, I have been a successful professional programmer, an independent, for 45 years. I've failed more times than most people have even tried.
Some days you get the bear.
Some days the bear gets you.
Find joy in it. Without joy, why are we even doing this shit?
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And I was sub-contracted to do that. It was about a six month long project. I wrote an entire windowing system on top of DOS to use VGA to show the display.
(I'm a good fucking programmer, and that's not the only time I've written a graphical UI from scratch.)
And. A comical note: about six weeks before the project was due, my hard drive died. And. My backup drive died.
All I had were some two-month old printouts.
@GeePawHill I’m fairly sure Fred Brooks didn’t mean that when he said “Plan to throw one away”, but whatever floats your boat…
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@GeePawHill That was good to read about your success, congratulations .The bit about emerging with no more than a bent antenna with oil on it struck me so funny my brain will be replaying it for a good while, thanks!
@GeePawHill FWIW, I should have added that our local Ice breaking here on Lake Superior is by the USCGC Spar that uses a "Dynamic Positioning System" that sounds like what you are dealing with. I admire folks that can write programs, best I could do was write and print labels for single sided 180's back in the day.
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@GeePawHill I’m fairly sure Fred Brooks didn’t mean that when he said “Plan to throw one away”, but whatever floats your boat…
️@thirstybear Yeah, he wasn't talking about dead drives.
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And, for the record, I have been a successful professional programmer, an independent, for 45 years. I've failed more times than most people have even tried.
Some days you get the bear.
Some days the bear gets you.
Find joy in it. Without joy, why are we even doing this shit?
@GeePawHill Yep. It’s that joy that I love about engineering in general. Which is why I don’t subscribe to the current fad of using random text generators. Altman can pry that joy from my cold, dead fingers.
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@GeePawHill Yep. It’s that joy that I love about engineering in general. Which is why I don’t subscribe to the current fad of using random text generators. Altman can pry that joy from my cold, dead fingers.
@thirstybear Indeed. I keep re-posting it:
"Take the pledge, kids: I don't use LLMs for coding and I don't kiss boys who do."
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And so but anyway, did I ever tell you about my most humiliating experience as a skilled and successful computer programmer?
@GeePawHill A great story, and well told. Thank you for this!
