Do any other #ActuallyAutistic peeps struggle with knowing the line between asking personal questions of acquaintances or new friends to express interest vs being nosy/intrusive?
-
Do any other #ActuallyAutistic peeps struggle with knowing the line between asking personal questions of acquaintances or new friends to express interest vs being nosy/intrusive?
Sometimes I feel like every question out of my mouth to someone I don't know so well is borderline stalkerish, like they'll think I'm putting together a file on them. So I tend not to ask many questions unless people volunteer information & I guess I come off as aloof rather than intrusive.
@gremlinchild Yes! And I experience the corollary to this: When an acquaintance or new friend asks me a question, what's the difference between saying enough to keep the conversation going and oversharing?
I have sometimes actually thought, during a conversation, "I answered that just the right amount. Good job, me."
-
Do any other #ActuallyAutistic peeps struggle with knowing the line between asking personal questions of acquaintances or new friends to express interest vs being nosy/intrusive?
Sometimes I feel like every question out of my mouth to someone I don't know so well is borderline stalkerish, like they'll think I'm putting together a file on them. So I tend not to ask many questions unless people volunteer information & I guess I come off as aloof rather than intrusive.
@gremlinchild I've often felt adjusting to what I now know as autism is plotting points on a graph to find the dividing line. I never see the line, but I know from overstepping approximately where it is. Your mileage may vary, but I suspect with enough time and experience that it'll get easier to guess where the line is--even if you'll never really know.
-
Do any other #ActuallyAutistic peeps struggle with knowing the line between asking personal questions of acquaintances or new friends to express interest vs being nosy/intrusive?
Sometimes I feel like every question out of my mouth to someone I don't know so well is borderline stalkerish, like they'll think I'm putting together a file on them. So I tend not to ask many questions unless people volunteer information & I guess I come off as aloof rather than intrusive.
@gremlinchild
Snap, also never good at asking questions for the same reasons. I can sometimes, rarely make mtself ask a question about them or something I know they're interested in or involved with but it always feels horrible. -
@gremlinchild Yes! And I experience the corollary to this: When an acquaintance or new friend asks me a question, what's the difference between saying enough to keep the conversation going and oversharing?
I have sometimes actually thought, during a conversation, "I answered that just the right amount. Good job, me."
@kristenhg Ah yes, the over-share, another great trait of mine. 🥲
-
@gremlinchild I've often felt adjusting to what I now know as autism is plotting points on a graph to find the dividing line. I never see the line, but I know from overstepping approximately where it is. Your mileage may vary, but I suspect with enough time and experience that it'll get easier to guess where the line is--even if you'll never really know.
@binsk Oh, I like the concept of knowing approximately where the line is even if I can't see it directly. I've definitely gotten better at that over the past decades. Unfortunately I think I may have plateaued. And being censured in my youth for my lack of social skills has definitely made me sensitive to the mildest of rejection so I'm really wary now of overstepping.
-
@binsk Oh, I like the concept of knowing approximately where the line is even if I can't see it directly. I've definitely gotten better at that over the past decades. Unfortunately I think I may have plateaued. And being censured in my youth for my lack of social skills has definitely made me sensitive to the mildest of rejection so I'm really wary now of overstepping.
@gremlinchild for me, the only way out of that cycle was to realize that I can only do so much, and it's not my fault if I overstep. As much care as I take, I can't see the lines in so many patterns of behavior, so fine-tuning will ever be aspirational. I expect to get it wrong. It's not a failure. It's just part of the process.
You sound like someone who's being as careful as you can be, but perfection is unattainable. If you're doing the best you can, that's enough. It has to be.
If someone else thinks your best isn't enough, that's their problem--because how can we expect more than the best someone can do? Only unreasonable people expect someone to be other than what they are in good faith.
-
Do any other #ActuallyAutistic peeps struggle with knowing the line between asking personal questions of acquaintances or new friends to express interest vs being nosy/intrusive?
Sometimes I feel like every question out of my mouth to someone I don't know so well is borderline stalkerish, like they'll think I'm putting together a file on them. So I tend not to ask many questions unless people volunteer information & I guess I come off as aloof rather than intrusive.
@gremlinchild
.
sometimes I feel like it’s intrusive to know anything about anyone. I think sometimes I’m sensitive and insightful - but too insightful for normal conversations, people don’t expect to be understood, it’s insulting have someone thinking they understand their complex selves . . .
.
@autistics -
Do any other #ActuallyAutistic peeps struggle with knowing the line between asking personal questions of acquaintances or new friends to express interest vs being nosy/intrusive?
Sometimes I feel like every question out of my mouth to someone I don't know so well is borderline stalkerish, like they'll think I'm putting together a file on them. So I tend not to ask many questions unless people volunteer information & I guess I come off as aloof rather than intrusive.
@gremlinchild
I tend to always work on the principle that if someone wants to talk about something, or let me know it, then they will bring it up. That for me to do so, especially of someone I don't, or barely, know, is intrusive and rude. -
@gremlinchild yup, it me. i also tend to stick with the ask very little/wait for volunteered info method.
-
But I have NT family members who meet someone new & start asking them all sorts of personal questions that I feel are extremely invasive, & apparently that's fine.
️I think for me there's also a bit of a fear of being "too much". Too interested, too invested, too desperate, & being perceived as undesirable company because of that.
-
Do any other #ActuallyAutistic peeps struggle with knowing the line between asking personal questions of acquaintances or new friends to express interest vs being nosy/intrusive?
Sometimes I feel like every question out of my mouth to someone I don't know so well is borderline stalkerish, like they'll think I'm putting together a file on them. So I tend not to ask many questions unless people volunteer information & I guess I come off as aloof rather than intrusive.
@gremlinchild absolutely the same for me, word for word.
-
System shared this topic
