One thing I am really looking forward to about going home is knowing the rules.
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One thing I am really looking forward to about going home is knowing the rules. I find it exhausting being constantly unaware of what the right/polite thing is to do. Yesterday children said hello to me when I walked past them in the street and it baffled me so much, but later I realised people just DO say hi to strangers here. Going into a shop, the greeting was not what I expected and it threw me. If questions are in the wrong order I fuck up the conversation.
This all sounds like silly stuff, and maybe it’s an anxiety thing - I was so struck by how, when my friend came to join me, she just HAD conversations based on how she felt she should rather than doing what I do and meticulously planning what I’m going to say so I don’t get it wrong or accidentally be rude.
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This all sounds like silly stuff, and maybe it’s an anxiety thing - I was so struck by how, when my friend came to join me, she just HAD conversations based on how she felt she should rather than doing what I do and meticulously planning what I’m going to say so I don’t get it wrong or accidentally be rude.
Anyway. Will be nice to be home where I broadly know the rules of conversation and interaction, and what’s more home in London where strangers don’t try to have interactions with me unless strictly necessary.
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Anyway. Will be nice to be home where I broadly know the rules of conversation and interaction, and what’s more home in London where strangers don’t try to have interactions with me unless strictly necessary.
Like, even just the basic things take a lot of mental energy. Today I’m staying in a hostel that has free breakfast (woo!). But when I go down, it’s not clear if there’s a designated place I should sit, if I should give my name to someone before I grab a plate, what I should do with my plate when I’m finished. All these things are land mines because what if I get them wrong? Then I might get Told Off and that gives me the dreads.
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Like, even just the basic things take a lot of mental energy. Today I’m staying in a hostel that has free breakfast (woo!). But when I go down, it’s not clear if there’s a designated place I should sit, if I should give my name to someone before I grab a plate, what I should do with my plate when I’m finished. All these things are land mines because what if I get them wrong? Then I might get Told Off and that gives me the dreads.
One day I will open a pub that caters specifically to anxious people, neurospicy types, foreign guests and others who might not Know The Unwritten Rules. I will write all the rules, in all languages, and have audio buttons for those who might need ‘em too. Every scrap of info, plus photos and diagrams of the place, will be available on the website to check. There will be menus with picture you can point to if you don’t know how to ask. We will all Know The Rules and thus be able to relax.
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Like, even just the basic things take a lot of mental energy. Today I’m staying in a hostel that has free breakfast (woo!). But when I go down, it’s not clear if there’s a designated place I should sit, if I should give my name to someone before I grab a plate, what I should do with my plate when I’m finished. All these things are land mines because what if I get them wrong? Then I might get Told Off and that gives me the dreads.
@girlonthenet This all sounds like me 100%. For me it's a combo of social anxiety probably also caused by the autistic trait of wanting to understand the rules, and also the worry of not being able to communicate in the other language. For what it's worth, I've never been Told Off in a hotel
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@girlonthenet This all sounds like me 100%. For me it's a combo of social anxiety probably also caused by the autistic trait of wanting to understand the rules, and also the worry of not being able to communicate in the other language. For what it's worth, I've never been Told Off in a hotel
@kapellosaur I don’t think I have either, but hostels tend to be a little more rough and ready. Also for me ‘told off’ encompasses SUCH a broad spectrum. Even if someone gently corrects me my body will often register that as ‘you’re in trouble’ and everything kicks off. I’m working on this but it’s a lifelong project
Anyway when I have my pub you can come and no one will ever Tell You Off if you don’t immediately understand the rules 
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One day I will open a pub that caters specifically to anxious people, neurospicy types, foreign guests and others who might not Know The Unwritten Rules. I will write all the rules, in all languages, and have audio buttons for those who might need ‘em too. Every scrap of info, plus photos and diagrams of the place, will be available on the website to check. There will be menus with picture you can point to if you don’t know how to ask. We will all Know The Rules and thus be able to relax.
@girlonthenet Would you be able to provide a service that explains everything about how local public transport works, and how you're supposed to act whilst using it?
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This all sounds like silly stuff, and maybe it’s an anxiety thing - I was so struck by how, when my friend came to join me, she just HAD conversations based on how she felt she should rather than doing what I do and meticulously planning what I’m going to say so I don’t get it wrong or accidentally be rude.
@girlonthenet it constantly amazes me that some people can actually make small talk with strangers and seemingly even enjoy the experience, rather than it being a torture of trying to work out what the Right Thing To Say is, and can I please leave now?
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@girlonthenet Would you be able to provide a service that explains everything about how local public transport works, and how you're supposed to act whilst using it?
@RolloTreadway oooh YES
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@RolloTreadway oooh YES
@girlonthenet @RolloTreadway unfamiliar bus/tram/etc system are always a worry. Do I tell the driver where I'm going because the prices differ, or is it flat rate? Cash, card, or do I need to have obtained a special contactless card somewhere and charged it up already?
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@kapellosaur I don’t think I have either, but hostels tend to be a little more rough and ready. Also for me ‘told off’ encompasses SUCH a broad spectrum. Even if someone gently corrects me my body will often register that as ‘you’re in trouble’ and everything kicks off. I’m working on this but it’s a lifelong project
Anyway when I have my pub you can come and no one will ever Tell You Off if you don’t immediately understand the rules ️@girlonthenet Oh yeah, I know the capitalised Told Off you mentioned there. We're hyper-aware of how we're being perceived
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One thing I am really looking forward to about going home is knowing the rules. I find it exhausting being constantly unaware of what the right/polite thing is to do. Yesterday children said hello to me when I walked past them in the street and it baffled me so much, but later I realised people just DO say hi to strangers here. Going into a shop, the greeting was not what I expected and it threw me. If questions are in the wrong order I fuck up the conversation.
This is fascinating to me, because when I am in England I am much more worried about The Rules as I am clearly expected to know them. When I go abroad, however, I relax more because I am clearly not expected to know The Rules, having not grown up there. If I get Told Off, I apologise in stilted [language] and then it's all fine.
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This is fascinating to me, because when I am in England I am much more worried about The Rules as I am clearly expected to know them. When I go abroad, however, I relax more because I am clearly not expected to know The Rules, having not grown up there. If I get Told Off, I apologise in stilted [language] and then it's all fine.
@PetraPhoenix ah shit maybe this is something England has infected me with? I do think it got worse after I lived in Japan too - they also have a big thing for The Rules and I once got told off in a way that was v traumatic, so I think it’s reinforced the idea that I need to be right/not take up space etc.
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@girlonthenet @RolloTreadway unfamiliar bus/tram/etc system are always a worry. Do I tell the driver where I'm going because the prices differ, or is it flat rate? Cash, card, or do I need to have obtained a special contactless card somewhere and charged it up already?
@kitten_tech @RolloTreadway YES. I’ve got an Airbnb place booked for my final destination and in their info pack they include ALL the useful info about public transport and I hadn’t realised how worried I was till that weight got taken from my mind!!
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Like, even just the basic things take a lot of mental energy. Today I’m staying in a hostel that has free breakfast (woo!). But when I go down, it’s not clear if there’s a designated place I should sit, if I should give my name to someone before I grab a plate, what I should do with my plate when I’m finished. All these things are land mines because what if I get them wrong? Then I might get Told Off and that gives me the dreads.
@girlonthenet Ha ha ! So I’m not alone to struggle with this
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@PetraPhoenix ah shit maybe this is something England has infected me with? I do think it got worse after I lived in Japan too - they also have a big thing for The Rules and I once got told off in a way that was v traumatic, so I think it’s reinforced the idea that I need to be right/not take up space etc.
Oof, yeah, being Told Off like that is bound to have an effect!
We (those socialised female) are taught not to take up space from a very early age in our culture, and so we are trying to undo a whole lifetime of programming.I am incredibly impressed by your adventure though, especially considering the number of unknowns you'll have faced! That's properly brave!!
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Oof, yeah, being Told Off like that is bound to have an effect!
We (those socialised female) are taught not to take up space from a very early age in our culture, and so we are trying to undo a whole lifetime of programming.I am incredibly impressed by your adventure though, especially considering the number of unknowns you'll have faced! That's properly brave!!
@PetraPhoenix ah thank you! Tbh it doesn’t feel brave when I plan it, cos it’s all abstract, but as time has gone on I’ve been quite pleased with what I’ve achieved!
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@PetraPhoenix ah thank you! Tbh it doesn’t feel brave when I plan it, cos it’s all abstract, but as time has gone on I’ve been quite pleased with what I’ve achieved!
Good! You should be so very proud of yourself! Bumping out of a comfort zone and doing something like this is something to celebrate, and I hope you spend some time acknowledging your accomplishment!
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@PetraPhoenix ah shit maybe this is something England has infected me with? I do think it got worse after I lived in Japan too - they also have a big thing for The Rules and I once got told off in a way that was v traumatic, so I think it’s reinforced the idea that I need to be right/not take up space etc.
@girlonthenet @PetraPhoenix Oh god, I was *so* nervous about breaking social rules when I was in Japan. But they seemed very forgiving of foreigners, at least to our faces. The only time we got slightly odd looks was when we had to take an unexpected flight due to the Shinkansen being taken out by an earthquake, and we were the only foreigners on a flight full of Salarymen
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Like, even just the basic things take a lot of mental energy. Today I’m staying in a hostel that has free breakfast (woo!). But when I go down, it’s not clear if there’s a designated place I should sit, if I should give my name to someone before I grab a plate, what I should do with my plate when I’m finished. All these things are land mines because what if I get them wrong? Then I might get Told Off and that gives me the dreads.
@girlonthenet oof, Fear of The Dreads is a mood
