Tonight was an extremely shitty night in the elder-care department.

[jik@federate.social]

Tonight was an extremely shitty night in the elder-care department. Buckle in, this is a long rant I need to get off my chest.
#elderCare #careGiving #sandwichGeneration #narcissism #scams
1/19

[jik@federate.social]

First, I get a notification on my phone and in Uncle's email that a charge to one of his debit cards has been declined. The charge is from a company I've never heard of before that he has never purchased anything from before. I look it up, and they sell fireplace equipment. My friends, Uncle does not have a fireplace. "Oh, great," I say to myself, "Uncle's debit card number has been stolen again."
2/19

[jik@federate.social]

So I call Uncle, and he tells me no, actually, it's a legitimate card, he bought a "charcuterie sampler." Something doesn't feel right, but I don't know what to say, so I shrug and thank him and get off the phone.
A few minutes later, his aide calls and asks whether there are any disposable incontinence pads on the way from the supplier, since Uncle has run out.
3/19

[jik@federate.social]

One of his other aides called last week with the same question, and I looked it up on the supplier website and it said the order was "Processing." I assumed that meant it would ship in a few days, and that's what I told the aide.
I log into the website again tonight and it still says "Processing". So I call the supplier and wait on hold for more than a half hour, only to be told that they haven't shipped the supplies because the insurance authorization has expired.
4/19

[jik@federate.social]

I say, "No, it hasn't, I've got it right here in front of me. It doesn't expire until the end of May." They tell me they have different information so they will have to contact the insurance company to resolve it. In the meantime, they say, they will send out some samples to tide Uncle over, and I should call back again on Tuesday if the order is still listed as "Processing" on the website. All told, the call lasted more than 45 minutes.
5/19

[jik@federate.social]

I've been around the block enough times to know that what probably happened is the contractor the insurance company uses to handle this stuff decided to move the authorization to a different supplier without telling me. That supplier doesn't know what they're supposed to send, so they've sent nothing. If I'm right, come Tuesday the order from the old supplier will still be "Processing".
6/19

[jik@federate.social]

Then I'll have to have a long phone call with the insurance company where I will be given incorrect information about whom the new supplier is, and then a second long phone call with the insurance company to get the information I should have beeen given in the first phone call. At least, that's what happened last time they screwed this up.
7/19

[jik@federate.social]

While I'm waiting on hold with the supplier, I see another alert come in; the same charge amount that was previously attempted and denied on one of Uncle's debit cards has now been attempted and denied on the other debit card, FROM A MERCHANT WITH A DIFFERENT NAME. I look up THAT merchant on the web, and it is, once again, a store that Uncle would never have any reason to buy anything from.
8/19

[jik@federate.social]

While I'm trying to figure out what's going on with these bogus charges, I am reviewing Uncle's email receipts from the past couple days and discover that earlier tonight, he placed a (real) order from Walmart to buy sweatpants, which he had specifically asked me yesterday to order for him. Boy, I sure do appreciate having my time wasted doing things Uncle asked me to do, only to discover that he was perfectly capable of doing it himself and indeed has done so without telling me!
9/19

[jik@federate.social]

After getting off the phone with the supplier, I call Uncle back and tell him there are three things I need to talk with him about.
First, the supplier is having insurance issues and is sending him some samples to tide him over. He says "I'm sure it's my doctor's fault." I say no, I've there's a valid insurance authorization, it's the supplier's fault. So now I'm already on thin ice for this call because I've just contradicted him, which, seeing as how he's a narcissist, is always risky.
10/19

[jik@federate.social]

Second, I see from your email receipts that you ordered sweatpants for yourself. Why did you do that after asking me to order them for you? "My aide told you to order them, I didn't," he says. I point out that his aide had that conversation with me on the phone in front of him and even asked him during the conversation what size I should order. So now I've called him out on his bullshit not once but twice in a single phone call. Very, VERY risky!
11/19

[jik@federate.social]

Third, I say, that charge we spoke about a little while ago just tried to go through on your other debit card for the same amount but an entirely different merchant name and was declined. The other merchant also isn't one that sells charcuterie samplers. I don't think you're telling me the whole truth about this. I need to know what's going on.
12/19

[jik@federate.social]

Ooh, boy, that did it. How dare I accuse him of lying to me, he doesn't lie in general (in fact, Uncle the narcissist lies ALL THE TIME, I've seem do it repeatedly) but he certainly doesn't lie to me, etc., etc. I then have to spend another 40 minutes on the phone with me while he rehashes every grievance he has not just with me but also with several other relatives. In all of these grievances he is, of course, 100% innocent of any wrongdoing and everyone else has gravely mistreated him.
13/19

[jik@federate.social]

While I'm on the phone being harangued by Uncle about how everyone mistreats him and he should know because he mistreated other people for many years (he really said that!), I connect to his computer via Rustdesk to look at his browser history and see if I can find anything about the suspicious charges to his debit card.
14/19

[jik@federate.social]

I manage to find the page he put his credit card info into. The form on that page doesn't ask for his email or shipping address. As far as I can tell from looking at his browsing history there's no other page he visited at any time that DID ask him for his email or shipping address. Pretty fucking suspicious, eh? I say nothing to Uncle about this because I don't want to reignite the haranguing, which seems like it's starting to die down.
15/19

[jik@federate.social]

After surviving and getting off of the call with Uncle, I log into the bank website and discover that the aforementioned suspicious charge has been attempted and denied on his debit card a THIRD time, from yet another different merchant name.
16/19

[jik@federate.social]

At this point I call the bank's fraud department, spend another 20 minutes on hold and finally reach a human being, who puts me on hold for several more minutes so she can verify my power-of-attorney status so she can speak with me.
17/19

[jik@federate.social]

Then she confirms that the charges were denied and suggests that I cancel and replace his debit card, though I'm not REQUIRED to because Uncle did, indeed, give his debit card number to the merchant that tried to charge the card, though she agrees that it sure is mighty suspicious that the three attempts to charge Uncle's card all had different merchant names.
18/19

[jik@federate.social]

I decide not to replace his cards for the time being, because it will be a huge hassle. Instead, I will just have to be vigilant about suspicious charges moving forward, which I'm mostly already doing (I have things set up to notify me instantly about pretty much every charge Uncle makes).
Ugh, what a night.
19/19

[ericfielding@mastodon.social]

@jik You have a lot of patience! I hope you get some rest in between the hassles.