Here’s the thing you need to know about people who transitioned as adults: their transition is probably a truly epic saga.
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@Undercat @Willow You too, huh? I suspect mine would be at least 30% flashbacks by volume.
I could write it as a linear timeline, but a dry retelling of the facts just wouldn't convey the impact of that realisation. The series of "wait, was that..?" and "now that makes sense" moments that just keep compounding, not to mention the growing collection of "did I even hear the words coming out of my own mouth?!"
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@Willow Teen years: 1993–1997
My next two weeks were rough. I was trained at home by my mother to put on the act that I was always fine, but I couldn't care to. My mood even prompted my father, who was very stoic at the time, to ask if I was okay.
Eventually, I put the face back on. I was broken underneath it.
Over the next few years, I struggled to cope. I thought I was the only girl like me. Yes, I saw Ace Ventura. Yes, my mom liked to laugh at the trans women on Jerry Springer. Yes, I heard of people who had sex changes. But, the media depiction was so awful, so nefarious. I didn't make the link that those people were like me simply because these people were so caricaturized by media, intentionally demonized. I didn't feel like some evil, laughable character on TV. I just felt so alone.
But, I did manage to have moments that I'd steal for myself where I'd move through the world as a secret girl. In the hallways at school. On the bus. In my room. Walking home. No one had to know.
…until someone figured me out.
Grade 11 math class was awful, taught by a retired, Hall of Fame athlete who barely taught class and spent his time outside chainsmoking. He would answer questions with the phrase “Don't ask questions about things you don't understand.” Easily the worst teacher I ever had.
I made friends in the back of the classroom with some girls and we got along like a house on fire. Anytime the teacher left, we'd start joking and laughing. It was a lot of fun. I felt like me.
And the girls could tell.
At the end of semester, when the teacher left one class to smoke, the girls offered me a hangout. A shopping trip. For cosmetics. And clothes. And to show me how to use them. And going out for a movie. And it was all deeply sincere.
“You know… just a girl's night out. What do you think?”
I froze. I immediately replayed grade 11 in my head and realized that year, at school, that I somehow dropped my guard and stopped pretending I was a boy. And it showed. So much. The way I walked. Held my books. Talked. I was such a fool. Idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn't being so secret of a girl, anymore.
I refused her offer. Silently. We never talked about it, again.
The rest of the year, I changed the way I walked and wouldn't walk that way in a long, long time.
(Continued later)
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Trans folks, if you are so inclined, please feel free to share your story.
@Willow I had no awareness of trans people until I was in my 30s. Being genderfluid minimized the dysphoria and trauma for me in some ways, but I still experienced a lot of bullying and being made to feel like I had no place in society. I leaned into what was hopefully a fairly healthy version of masculinity for a while, but eventually, when I felt safe and in control of my life, and had been in therapy for a while, all the suppressed femininity came out in a rush.
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Here’s the thing you need to know about people who transitioned as adults: their transition is probably a truly epic saga. They might be the most basic person ever, and they might not tell you their story, but it’s there.
Maybe it’s about the extremes they reached running from their dysphoria. Maybe it’s an intricate web of relationships and pain and sorrow. Maybe it’s an internal tale of descending into themselves to battle daemons that society itself cursed them with.
Transition is wild, yo.
@Willow I've learned so, *so* much by just leaning into the other queer folks around me and listening to their stories.
I think when I first started listening to these stories in earnest, I was looking for common threads with my own story — a way to relate. These days, I'm listening in the same way I listen to music, or look at a sculpture; it's more about appreciating the beauty and fullness that comes with all of these stories, despite their differences. And like other sorts of art, they inevitably end up teaching me something about myself and my perception of the world.
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Trans folks, if you are so inclined, please feel free to share your story.
@Willow I wrote a few posts on my journal about how I came to discover who I was and start on my path. The main summary is here, because it's FAR too long to post on mastodon, even as a thread.
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@Willow I wrote a few posts on my journal about how I came to discover who I was and start on my path. The main summary is here, because it's FAR too long to post on mastodon, even as a thread.
@Willow Also, this post: https://jecook.dreamwidth.org/527481.html
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Here’s the thing you need to know about people who transitioned as adults: their transition is probably a truly epic saga. They might be the most basic person ever, and they might not tell you their story, but it’s there.
Maybe it’s about the extremes they reached running from their dysphoria. Maybe it’s an intricate web of relationships and pain and sorrow. Maybe it’s an internal tale of descending into themselves to battle daemons that society itself cursed them with.
Transition is wild, yo.
@Willow There is absolutely a story, and no possible way I could fit even the highlights into five hundred characters.
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Trans folks, if you are so inclined, please feel free to share your story.
@Willow@chaosfem.tw I wrote a big long post about this a few weeks back.
RE: https://thegayagenda.fans/notes/aj5yp5yodhbc0lhl -
@Willow I wrote a whole ass post about my trans journey:
@NineIsntPrime @Willow Thanks for sharing that!
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Here’s the thing you need to know about people who transitioned as adults: their transition is probably a truly epic saga. They might be the most basic person ever, and they might not tell you their story, but it’s there.
Maybe it’s about the extremes they reached running from their dysphoria. Maybe it’s an intricate web of relationships and pain and sorrow. Maybe it’s an internal tale of descending into themselves to battle daemons that society itself cursed them with.
Transition is wild, yo.
@Willow at this point, it's hard to detangle the story of my transition from the story of... everything. Of all of me.
The sweet but abused child who dissociated into thinking her life was Good, Actually. The lanky teen who tried to shrink away, who hid in the library and fantasised about magic and transformation. The depressed student whose life was saved by a visitation from a mysterious future self. The pudgy bearded computer geek who leant into stereotypes to find acceptance and community. The bewildered husband and corporate programmer, wondering where this life had come from and whether it was the one they wanted. The terrified hatchling, finally daring to stop cowering before patriarchy and to assert their own truth, find their own way. The lockdown trans, making phone calls with shaking hands and quivering voice. The joyful transitioner, discovering herself as a woman for the first time. The overnight widow, walking a suddenly lonely path. The witch, finding new dimensions to herself amongst her sorrow. The trainee counsellor, thrown from a secure but hated career and landing on her feet back in university. And... what next? Who next?
I never asked for any of this drama. I aspired to a modest and uneventful life, where I could do a little good and not bother anyone. Alas, that's not how things panned out. I'm still standing, still fighting, still trying to claim my space.
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Here’s the thing you need to know about people who transitioned as adults: their transition is probably a truly epic saga. They might be the most basic person ever, and they might not tell you their story, but it’s there.
Maybe it’s about the extremes they reached running from their dysphoria. Maybe it’s an intricate web of relationships and pain and sorrow. Maybe it’s an internal tale of descending into themselves to battle daemons that society itself cursed them with.
Transition is wild, yo.
@Willow@chaosfem.tw Hannahs story is boring tho!
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Here’s the thing you need to know about people who transitioned as adults: their transition is probably a truly epic saga. They might be the most basic person ever, and they might not tell you their story, but it’s there.
Maybe it’s about the extremes they reached running from their dysphoria. Maybe it’s an intricate web of relationships and pain and sorrow. Maybe it’s an internal tale of descending into themselves to battle daemons that society itself cursed them with.
Transition is wild, yo.
@Willow I knew that my options were to resent myself and die a repressed sad weirdo, or try to get back on my feet and undo the damage done to my body and mind.
I chose the latter option.
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@Willow I knew that my options were to resent myself and die a repressed sad weirdo, or try to get back on my feet and undo the damage done to my body and mind.
I chose the latter option.
I distinctly remember starting puberty and feeling deeply disturbed that I had a flat chest.
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I distinctly remember starting puberty and feeling deeply disturbed that I had a flat chest.
My nervous system had the subconscious expectation that I would feminize during puberty instead of masculinizing.
My gonads had other plans
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My nervous system had the subconscious expectation that I would feminize during puberty instead of masculinizing.
My gonads had other plans
I was fine before puberty. I didn't try to remove my genitals or anything.
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I was fine before puberty. I didn't try to remove my genitals or anything.
@Willow before I knew what being trans really meant, being trans was my deepest, most shameful secret
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@Willow before I knew what being trans really meant, being trans was my deepest, most shameful secret
@burnoutqueen @Willow same tbh
